Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
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When I was bringing home $90 a week to feed a family of five, I experienced an illuminating event in my life. It should be noted that I also supported a pack of five dogs, a cigar addiction, and an ancient Chevrolet that came over on the Mayflower. If anyone says life was simpler in those days, the entire left side of my face still twitches. The event had to do with our dog pack, a cumbersome burden, and our children who were an equally unwieldy trio. The dogs were, in order of their ages and size, Nicky, Bee-Bee, Lonesome,... Full story
June is my lucky month. It has Father’s Day, my wedding anniversary, and my birthday all rolled into one long cigar. I’ve always held June in high esteem. One thing that makes me feel so good about June is the fact that I was born this month as a boy instead of a girl. Now that’s what I call lucky. What if I’d been born some other time? Why, I might have been a girl! Not that there’s anything wrong with girls — I lived comfortably with one for 51 years — but look at the alternatives: As a guy I get to keep my family name n... Full story
Then came the summer of 1943, and my friend Smooth Heine and I put together a genuine automobile on a budget of $3.67 — our life’s savings. We named it Clarence. It was also the summer of our discontent, because we’d just begun to feel the first evil pangs of testosterone. We became convinced that if we drove around town in a real live car, trailing white scarves and harmonizing the refrain from “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” we could find girls eager to share tender kisses and other colorful pastimes. So we shooed chickens...
Then came the summer of 1943, and my friend Smooth Heine and I put together a genuine automobile on a budget of $3.67 — our life’s savings. We named it Clarence. It was also the summer of our discontent, because we’d just begun to feel the first evil pangs of testosterone. We became convinced that if we drove around town in a real live car, trailing white scarves and harmonizing the refrain from “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” we could find girls eager to share tender kisses and other colorful pastimes. So we shooed chickens... Full story
Now comes Little League Baseball with its millions of fans who are so dedicated that each May they face east and, on cue from Williamsport, Pa., yell at the top of their lungs. The theory is that their howling creates gigantic gales which in turn slows the Earth’s rotation and therefore provides more daylight for evening baseball games. No, that isn’t true, because Little League Baseball, even back in olden times, has nothing to do with daylight-saving time. Face it, Little League is just a two-month summer activity aim...
Now comes Little League Baseball with its millions of fans who are so dedicated that each May they face east and, on cue from Williamsport, Pa., yell at the top of their lungs. The theory is that their howling creates gigantic gales which in turn slows the Earth’s rotation and therefore provides more daylight for evening baseball games. No, that isn’t true, because Little League Baseball, even back in olden times, has nothing to do with daylight-saving time. Face it, Little League is just a two-month summer activity aim...
I once had a rude experience with a horse named Coaly. He was a plow plug, a big, black Percheron with the combined disposition of a medieval executioner and Jack the Ripper. They don’t make animals like him anymore, and we’re lucky that way. To be more specific, he was large as a Sherman tank, and he had the head of an elephant, the teeth of a crocodile, the hooves of a brontosaurus, and the personality of a diamondback rattler. In short, he was a Texas chainsaw with a full tank of gas. Coaly was owned by the father of my...
I once had a rude experience with a horse named Coaly. He was a plow plug, a big, black Percheron with the combined disposition of a medieval executioner and Jack the Ripper. They don’t make animals like him anymore, and we’re lucky that way. To be more specific, he was large as a Sherman tank, and he had the head of an elephant, the teeth of a crocodile, the hooves of a brontosaurus, and the personality of a diamondback rattler. In short, he was a Texas chainsaw with a full tank of gas. Coaly was owned by the father of my...
Is Social Security safe? We’re told that unless meaningful reform is implemented, the system will be bankrupt by the year 2050, which will plunge us into chaos, despair, and extreme whining. I don’t care, because I plan to be dead by then. So let’s forget about THAT problem. Instead, on this nice spring day let’s talk about a more pressing crisis facing all Americans in this millennia — snakes! When my wife Marilyn was still boss around here, she never let a week go by without expressing her annoyance at my fear of snakes. S...
Is Social Security safe? We’re told that unless meaningful reform is implemented, the system will be bankrupt by the year 2050, which will plunge us into chaos, despair, and extreme whining. I don’t care, because I plan to be dead by then. So let’s forget about THAT problem. Instead, on this nice spring day let’s talk about a more pressing crisis facing all Americans in this millennia — snakes! When my wife Marilyn was still boss around here, she never let a week go by without expressing her annoyance at my fear of snakes. S...
It’s May again, time to gather ye the first gay blossoms of the greater stitchwort and go a-Maying. But if you’re into less strenuous activities, just give thanks you got through another winter. By and large, that can be a heady sensation. That said, let’s today delve into the human psyche before the weather gets so hot you don’t want to think about it. In short, after reviewing motivating Internet messages and no small amount of CNN Sports, I came up with this topic — Truths to live by. We’ll begin with great truths chil...
It’s May again, time to gather ye the first gay blossoms of the greater stitchwort and go a-Maying. But if you’re into less strenuous activities, just give thanks you got through another winter. By and large, that can be a heady sensation. That said, let’s today delve into the human psyche before the weather gets so hot you don’t want to think about it. In short, after reviewing motivating Internet messages and no small amount of CNN Sports, I came up with this topic — Truths to live by. We’ll begin with great truths chil... Full story
Recently I spent an hour in the company of lofty mathematics as part of mind-boggling research into the whims of the zodiac. I was seeking the ultimate horoscope. Don’t take me wrong. I’ve never been convinced that success and romance can be had by reading the stars. It’s just that part of my background dictates that I try to get along with everyone and follow that old Latin bromide, “Modus Vivendi,” which means, “We can get along if we don’t see each other very much.” So following much confusion over which end of the tele...
Recently I spent an hour in the company of lofty mathematics as part of mind-boggling research into the whims of the zodiac. I was seeking the ultimate horoscope. Don’t take me wrong. I’ve never been convinced that success and romance can be had by reading the stars. It’s just that part of my background dictates that I try to get along with everyone and follow that old Latin bromide, “Modus Vivendi,” which means, “We can get along if we don’t see each other very much.” So following much confusion over which end of the tele... Full story
Recently I spent an hour in the company of lofty mathematics as part of mind-boggling research into the whims of the zodiac. I was seeking the ultimate horoscope. Don’t take me wrong. I’ve never been convinced that success and romance can be had by reading the stars. It’s just that part of my background dictates that I try to get along with everyone and follow that old Latin bromide, “Modus Vivendi,” which means, “We can get along if we don’t see each other very much.” So following much confusion over which end of the tele...
City Meetings Chamber Executive CommWhen I was a kid, April Fools’ Day lasted all month. It was unwritten law in those days that guys got to seek revenge for tricks played on them. To limit that activity to only one day was blatantly unfair. (That edict always ceased at midnight, April 30, which was the start of marble season. No one knew why this was so. It was just the nature of things.) The downside to these month-long retaliations was that a trickster had to reveal his guilt by shouting “April Fool!” That way he was i... Full story
When I was a kid, April Fools’ Day lasted all month. It was unwritten law in those days that guys got to seek revenge for tricks played on them. To limit that activity to only one day was blatantly unfair. (That edict always ceased at midnight, April 30, which was the start of marble season. No one knew why this was so. It was just the nature of things.) The downside to these month-long retaliations was that a trickster had to reveal his guilt by shouting “April Fool!” That way he was identified and could in return be bambo...
It’s spring again — daffodils are blooming, pollen dust is up your nostrils, and folks all over New Mexico are getting stiff necks from gazing at Unidentified Flying Objects. That’s because this state holds the record for the most melodramatic assaults from outer space. In fact, New Mexicans have won the coveted Black Hole Cup at the annual Alien Invitational Tournament in Pebble Beach so many times that their experiences have become legendary. Even Rush Limbaugh is speechless. So if you’re a distinguished UFO-olo... Full story
It’s spring again — daffodils are blooming, pollen dust is up your nostrils, and folks all over New Mexico are getting stiff necks from gazing at Unidentified Flying Objects. That’s because this state holds the record for the most melodramatic assaults from outer space. In fact, New Mexicans have won the coveted Black Hole Cup at the annual Alien Invitational Tournament in Pebble Beach so many times that their experiences have become legendary. Even Rush Limbaugh is speechless. So if you’re a distinguished UFO-olo... Full story
If you’re a dinner party hostess who wants to save money on hors d’oeuvres so you can donate to the Martha Stewart Relief Fund, allow me to offer some help. I know a sure-fire way to curb appetites. I’m talking about steering the dinner conversation into a detailed discussion of your latest surgery or at least the gruesome symptoms, whichever came first. These subject matters can actually conserve food if handled wisely. I always dredge up the time I had surgery and lost my funny bone. I remember asking a doctor about this... Full story
If you’re a dinner party hostess who wants to save money on hors d’oeuvres so you can donate to the Martha Stewart Relief Fund, allow me to offer some help. I know a sure-fire way to curb appetites. I’m talking about steering the dinner conversation into a detailed discussion of your latest surgery or at least the gruesome symptoms, whichever came first. These subject matters can actually conserve food if handled wisely. I always dredge up the time I had surgery and lost my funny bone. I remember asking a doctor about this...
Some folks yearn for a balmy life of lust and leisure on the island of Tahiti. But here at the Trendy Travel Bureau we’ve been studying this urge and have second thoughts about promoting the South Seas as a worthwhile tourist trap. For instance, Tahitians think the stomach is the center of romance, not the heart. Dwell on that the next time you hum your favorite love song: • “Peg o’ My Stomach” • “My Stomach Belongs to Daddy” • “Zing Went the Strings of My Stomach” • “The Sweet Stomach of Sigma Chi” • “My Stomach Stood... Full story
Some folks yearn for a balmy life of lust and leisure on the island of Tahiti. But here at the Trendy Travel Bureau we’ve been studying this urge and have second thoughts about promoting the South Seas as a worthwhile tourist trap. For instance, Tahitians think the stomach is the center of romance, not the heart. Dwell on that the next time you hum your favorite love song: • “Peg o’ My Stomach” • “My Stomach Belongs to Daddy” • “Zing Went the Strings of My Stomach” • “The Sweet Stomach of Sigma Chi” • “My Stomach Stood...
Here at the Bureau of Very Important Essentials, we’re often asked where in the world we get ideas for our columns. So, allow me to come out of the closet today and tell you. After long, arduous, scholarly hours in front of a computer, I steal them. Still, that routine has its problems. You see, I scrawl my stolen column ideas on scraps of napkins and toilet tissue — you can tell where I do my research — to remind me later of the whole column. But after a few days when I look back at these brief notes, I can’t recall what th...
When I was a kid, I stayed alert to the whims of the Axis power, namely my mother, and I found she had a vast array of covert knowledge hidden beneath her quaint farm-girl homilies. Her views on some of mankind’s most endearing areas of scholarship stick with me to this day. Such as: • Mom’s view of religion: “You’d better pray that oil stain will come out of the carpet.” • On time travel: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week.” • On logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.” • On plann... Full story
