Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
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You’ve probably never heard of the World War II coastal fortifications on Long Island known as the Marginal Line, built to keep the European forces of evil in check. Frankly, I hadn’t either until recently when secret archives of that great project were opened to me. What happened was… Two patriots, Don and Bob, were boyhood pals growing up on Long Island, NY, when nails cost 8 cents a pound and windshield wipers petered out if you drove uphill with a heavy foot. They were typical kids in that their Depression-weary paren...
If you want to get deep into religion, find a Texan. They even think Moses was a Texan. As proof they point to a wall in the Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas, which contains the King Ranch version of the 10 Commandments. It reads: • There’s just one God. • Honor your Ma and Pa. • Don’t gossip or tell tall tales. • Show up for Sunday prayer meetin’s. • Put nothin’ before God. • Don’t mess with another fella’s gal. • No killin’. • Watch your mouth. • Don’t take what ain’t yours. • Don’t be hankerin’ for your partner’s stuf... Full story
In case you didn’t notice, we had a Friday the 13th this month. To put it in a more scholarly manner, it behooves us to utilize the Freedom of Information Act in the examination of perils existing in all Fridays the 13th and offer up some time-honored, laboratory-tested solutions to make our lives easier during these troubled times. That said, don’t fret if you missed Friday the 13th — another one will come along next year in May. I look forward to it, because I’m not superstitious. Still, I take after my mother who always...
In case you didn’t notice, we had a Friday the 13th this month. To put it in a more scholarly manner, it behooves us to utilize the Freedom of Information Act in the examination of perils existing in all Fridays the 13th and offer up some time-honored, laboratory-tested solutions to make our lives easier during these troubled times. That said, don’t fret if you missed Friday the 13th — another one will come along next year in May. I look forward to it, because I’m not superstitious. Still, I take after my mother who always...
Here at the Institute for Nitty-Gritty we raised our scholarly sights recently to delve into that age old conundrum, “Why does a chicken cross the road?” From a variety of sources we found answers from celebrities, some of them dead and rightfully so. Simply precede each quote with the question. • Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone, lying next to a leopard. • Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hard working American. • George W. Bush: We don’t like chickens. What’s important is whether or not they’re on ou... Full story
Here at the Institute for Nitty-Gritty we raised our scholarly sights recently to delve into that age old conundrum, “Why does a chicken cross the road?” From a variety of sources we found answers from celebrities, some of them dead and rightfully so. Simply precede each quote with the question. • Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone, lying next to a leopard. • Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hard working American. • George W. Bush: We don’t like chickens. What’s important is whether or not they’re on ou...
It amazes me how brilliant I am about so many things and why folks don’t more often seek my counsel. My wife Marilyn used to say, “Maybe you should stop trying to solve world problems and straighten out your own life.” I miss her wit. But to show what I mean, in Santa Fe I once hired a young woman who had lived six years with a guy, unabridged, unmarried, that sort of stuff. They had become significant others, to use a hackneyed phrase. You with me? Well, the upshot was they bought a restaurant together, and this doll toiled...
It amazes me how brilliant I am about so many things and why folks don’t more often seek my counsel. My wife Marilyn used to say, “Maybe you should stop trying to solve world problems and straighten out your own life.” I miss her wit. But to show what I mean, in Santa Fe I once hired a young woman who had lived six years with a guy, unabridged, unmarried, that sort of stuff. They had become significant others, to use a hackneyed phrase. You with me? Well, the upshot was they bought a restaurant together, and this doll toiled...
Childhood friends tell me I once had tangled curly hair and a perpetual runny nose, and I ran around all summer in frayed overalls and Tenner shoes, the latter being the invention of that friend of all boys, Mr. Tenner. But in spite of my appearance, those were exotic times, like the summer of the Great Tire Ride. With my friend Smooth Heine, hazy days were spent discovering secret lakes and creeks to skinny dip, unique explosives to invent, riding almost anything with four legs including pigs, goats, and plow horses, eating...
Looking for adventure? Like to live on the edge? Want to be the first on your block to wake up in the middle of a nightmare screaming, “Eeaauugh! Eeaauugh!” You can have all that and more if, like me, you rid your living room of furniture, give everything to your daughters, and buy a pool table. But first a warning — pool tables don’t come to your home in one piece. They arrive from third-world countries in several packages, each weighing hundreds of pounds and containing more than 600 items including screws the size of infa...
Looking for adventure? Like to live on the edge? Want to be the first on your block to wake up in the middle of a nightmare screaming, “Eeaauugh! Eeaauugh!” You can have all that and more if, like me, you rid your living room of furniture, give everything to your daughters, and buy a pool table. But first a warning — pool tables don’t come to your home in one piece. They arrive from third-world countries in several packages, each weighing hundreds of pounds and containing more than 600 items including screws the size of infa... Full story
Now in these lazy, hazy days of summer it’s restful to sit back and look at the various laws that dictate our lives. (These commandments do not include random declarations set down by heavy-handed wives, because they were never officially codified — the rules I mean.) For instance, we might look at Fetridge’s Law, which is somewhat related to Gumperson’s Law and remotely similar to Parkinson’s Law but has everything to do with Murphy’s Law. Is that clear? Only once did I see all these laws bundled into one fell catastrophe...
A few weeks ago the Washington Post published its annual Pulitzer Prize winning list of wacky word definitions. It was a slow news week. But I enjoy lists like that. This particular file was sent my way by Maurice and Ethel Trimmer of Santa Fe, because as old friends they knew I would install it amongst the many dozen I have salted away. So for your enjoyment today I present the Post’s list accompanied by some of my own word definitions. That way we hinterlanders won’t think the Washington Post is some kind of eastern tel...
A few weeks ago the Washington Post published its annual Pulitzer Prize winning list of wacky word definitions. It was a slow news week. But I enjoy lists like that. This particular file was sent my way by Maurice and Ethel Trimmer of Santa Fe, because as old friends they knew I would install it amongst the many dozen I have salted away. So for your enjoyment today I present the Post’s list accompanied by some of my own word definitions. That way we hinterlanders won’t think the Washington Post is some kind of eastern tel... Full story
Last year I wrote a column about that extinct advertising phenomenon called Burma-Shave signs — you know, those little red rhymes by the side of the road that quipped, “Peanut on a railroad track, heart all a flutter. Round the bend came No.10 — Toot, toot, peanut butter.” Well, I opened a box of Pandoras with that column. Phones rang and post offices ran out of stamps. Everyone had a favorite and couldn’t wait to show me. So I began writing them down, and here at the Society for Redundancy we found that the Burma-Sha...
Notes from a historian of the future: Here at the Corporation for Better Health through Chemistry, we in the history department are researching the ill-fated Fat Revolt of 2004. Our investigation uncovered several first-person accounts, all written in brown gravy. To clearly define the opposing forces of that historic event in our nation’s history, we set aside one particular excerpt. This is what it said: “.…The fat police moved cautiously through the trees toward our hideout. I couldn’t get a decent shot. My sidekic...
Notes on Independence Day from a historian of the future: Here at the Corporation for Better Health through Chemistry, we in the history department are researching the ill-fated Fat Revolt of 2004. Our investigation uncovered several first-person accounts, all written in brown gravy. To clearly define the opposing forces of that historic event in our nation’s history, we set aside one particular excerpt. This is what it said: “.…The fat police moved cautiously through the trees toward our hideout. I couldn’t get a decent...
It’s time once more to glance over our shoulders at the leering dog days of summer, then consult our horoscopes. And well we should, because without astrology to get us through these hot days we’d have to rely on luck, karma, ancient curses or the judiciary, and those ploys can be risky, lawyers and voodoo queens being what they are these days. So anyway, I’ve listed below what you can anticipate this summer depending on your birth date and what frightened your mother. All you have to do is find your Zodiac sign, sit back, an...
Bob Huber: Local Columnist Editor’s note: Bob Huber’s column is usually published on Monday. It’s running today instead because of its timely message. In case you haven’t noticed, this is that wonderful time of year when we celebrate Father’s Day. (Pause here for drum roll.) Warning: No matter that your daughter gave you a bolo tie with a Girl Scout emblem on it, or that your son gave you a birthstone ring made of cement, or that your wife rolls on the floor cackling with laughter, it’s the tangled webs posing as thoughts th... Full story
In case you haven’t noticed, this is that wonderful time of year when we celebrate Father’s Day. (Pause here for drum roll.) Warning: No matter that your daughter gave you a bolo tie with a Girl Scout emblem on it, or that your son gave you a birthstone ring made of cement, or that your wife rolls on the floor cackling with laughter, it’s the tangled webs posing as thoughts that count. But first, let’s look into Father’s Day, its history, its wealth of tradition, its wake of electric razors and purple polka dot neckties....
Here at the Making June Weddings More Meaningful Institute we’re studying ways for this year’s crop of newlyweds to stay married, or at least put up a good front. In this regard we quote Lyndon B. Johnson when he said, “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy — one is to let her think she’s having her way, and the other, to let her have it.” That said, we’ve taken a scholarly approach in our attempt to teach June brides and grooms how to be successfully married. We’ve spent years researching what’s been said,... Full story
Today’s topic is the month of June, which is bustin’ out all over with rambunctious celebrations like Father’s Day, weddings, the summer solstice, Flag Day, and the most wonderful day of all — my birthday. As you can see, June is a frenzy of activity, spiked with cheap champagne and police roadblocks. But let’s take everything one at a time. First there’s Father’s Day. When I was a kid, I didn’t celebrate Father’s Day with much enthusiasm. Mother’s Day was the Big Kahuna, because I knew who had the real power. I traditionally...
Throughout her career as a high school and college teacher, my wife Marilyn saved everything. Her multiple desks — she took over mine among others years ago — were stuffed full of scrawled love notes, chewed pencil stubs, dirty pictures, photos, class albums, and test papers, all taken from her students. I think she planned to use these items later as blackmail to supplement her retirement income. Anyway, in one drawer I ran across a huge envelope stuffed with crumpled, yellowed notes. It was titled: “Wild Analogies and Metap...
You hear it every spring — “The kites are coming! The kites are coming.” Mothers shield their kids, bikers don helmets — Imagine that! — and police warn citizens to stay off the streets and listen to disaster radio. Behind all the screaming, yelping, baseless accusations and the wanton abuse of the American way of life is the fact that birds called Mississippi kites are back in New Mexico. And with them comes a hostile warning — “Break out your hard hat and hang a tennis racket low on your hip!” That’s because Mississip...
Bob Huber: Local columnist When I was a kid, I often got down in the dumps, but my mother always brightened my day with homespun advice, such as: “There are people in India who have to eat rats and cockroaches. They’d give anything to have your broccoli.” “That’s a deal,” I’d reply. “I’ll even throw in my yo-yo.” But really, my mother was just trying to make me happy when she pictured the downtrodden. Her question still haunts me — “You think that you’re having a bad day?” Years later I created a file labeled “Bad Day,” whi...
