Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
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Here at the Symposium for Sparkling Conversation we’re swamped with letters warning us that our mother tongue is going to hell in a handbasket. Just to show you how serious this is, we spent 10 sleepless minutes dealing with the fact that in English there is no synonym for the word “Thesaurus.” But that’s not what we’re worried about here today. What we’re dealing with is one of the most over-taxed words in our language. That word is up. In case you haven’t heard, up means “rising in a vertical state” — which seems clear e...
Here at the Symposium for Sparkling Conversation we’re swamped with letters warning us that our mother tongue is going to hell in a handbasket. Just to show you how serious this is, we spent 10 sleepless minutes dealing with the fact that in English there is no synonym for the word “Thesaurus.” But that’s not what we’re worried about here today. What we’re dealing with is one of the most over-taxed words in our language. That word is up. In case you haven’t heard, up means “rising in a vertical state” — which seems clear e...
When my wife Marilyn departed for that Great Classroom in the Sky, my grocery list got civilized. Before she left I did the shopping for several months, but suddenly I no longer had to buy gourmet ingredients found in her confusing cook books. Today I live simply on bare essentials recalled from my B.M. (Before Marriage) days — donuts, coffee, bologna, day-old bread, cookies, pinto beans, sardines, paper plates, plastic cups, beer, and Tums. My switch from epicurean delights to simple fare saves tons of time. Formerly I took... Full story
Bob Huber: Local Columnist Here at the Institute for Advanced Mishaps, we’re perusing the landslide of complementary letters we received after describing the word “life” with quotes from celebrities. Both letters praised our southpaw dictionary, so today we’re flipping the pages again and landing on “love,” as in “marriage.” You know, like the old song that goes: “Love and marriage, love and marriage, “Go together like a horse and carriage. “This I tell you, brother, “You can’t have one without the other.” I feel free to de...
Bob Huber: Local Columnist I have an old friend. When I say “old,” I mean REALLY OLD, like 95. But to keep from embarrassing him — he’s so sensitive — I won’t mention his name. I’ll just call him Jack. Jack has a checkered past in the nine-plus decades he’s been around. He was a volunteer school bus driver, a train-hopping hobo, a writer, a military school teacher, a weatherman, a soldier, a newspaperman, a Mississippi rafter, a hay fever sufferer, and a college professor. And that was in his spare time, because he had...
If you have a left-handed dictionary in your bathroom like I do, you know the many blissful hours that can be spent in scholarly, fun-filled repose. I fostered my own reference book back in the dark ages and added to it over the years, which made my wife Marilyn comment, “If you’re clever and marry the right girl, you might even get your own name in it someday.” You see, my home-made dictionary is a book of definitions by people who know better but can’t control themselves. There are no quotes by Bob Huber, because I’m jus...
If you have a left-handed dictionary in your bathroom like I do, you know the many blissful hours that can be spent in scholarly, fun-filled repose. I fostered my own reference book back in the dark ages and added to it over the years, which made my wife Marilyn comment, “If you’re clever and marry the right girl, you might even get your own name in it someday.” You see, my home-made dictionary is a book of definitions by people who know better but can’t control themselves. There are no quotes by Bob Huber, because I’m jus...
I opened a letter last week that read, “Get serious, Huber! I mean, in these troubled times, when we’re threatened with terrorism, global warming, drought, and mad cows, all you write about are skunks, Smooth Heine, and one-liners. Get with the program. Gloomy Gustav.” I answered this way: Dear Gus: Before more rumors get out of hand and riots ensue, I’ll follow your lead and get serious by setting the record straight regarding me and Tangerine Crotchmire. Tangerine was a standout in a long line of sincere and lasting loves o...
I opened a letter last week that read, “Get serious, Huber! I mean, in these troubled times, when we’re threatened with terrorism, global warming, drought, and mad cows, all you write about are skunks, Smooth Heine, and one-liners. Get with the program. Gloomy Gustav.” I answered this way: Dear Gus: Before more rumors get out of hand and riots ensue, I’ll follow your lead and get serious by setting the record straight regarding me and Tangerine Crotchmire. Tangerine was a standout in a long line of sincere and lasting loves o...
It’s time once more for your annual Zodiacal — or is it Horoscopical? — predictions for the coming year. (At a point in my career I employed “upcoming” when referring to future events until one day a crusty old editor told me, “Huber, if you use upcoming one more time, I’ll be down-coming, and you’ll be out-going.”) Anyway, I’m here today to help you sail over the speed bumps and pot holes of life’s little metaphors during the upcoming year. All you have to do is locate your birth date below, and with the help of the stars...
It’s time once more for your annual Zodiacal — or is it Horoscopical? — predictions for the coming year. (At a point in my career I employed “upcoming” when referring to future events until one day a crusty old editor told me, “Huber, if you use upcoming one more time, I’ll be down-coming, and you’ll be out-going.”) Anyway, I’m here today to help you sail over the speed bumps and pot holes of life’s little metaphors during the upcoming year. All you have to do is locate your birth date below, and with the help of the stars...
I always take our Christmas tree down early, because it’s just too nostalgic for me. That’s because when I was a kid, our family had the most unusual assortment of decorations, and I kept every one. I still get tears in my eyes when I see a smashed beer can. Granddaughter: “Grandpa, why do you have rusty old beer cans on your tree?” Me: “Oh honey, they’re precious ornaments. My father, your great grandfather, hung a new one on the tree every year at Christmas. It was tradition. And someday, when I’ve gone to that Great Ci...
I always take our Christmas tree down early, because it’s just too nostalgic for me. That’s because when I was a kid, our family had the most unusual assortment of decorations, and I kept every one. I still get tears in my eyes when I see a smashed beer can. Granddaughter: “Grandpa, why do you have rusty old beer cans on your tree?” Me: “Oh honey, they’re precious ornaments. My father, your great grandfather, hung a new one on the tree every year at Christmas. It was tradition. And someday, when I’ve gone to that Great Ci...
(Christmas carols playing.) Ah the holidays, that time of year for fireplaces and hot spiced cider, the sounds of crinkling wrapping paper and children squealing, and, of course — THE CURSE OF OLD MAN CLONCH! (Carols segue to ominous music.) When I was a kid, it was tough being bad during the holidays, because my kindly mother kept reminding me about Old Man Clonch. He was the ANTI-SANTA! She warned that Old Man Clonch lived way up on top of Lookout Mountain west of our Colorado home, and all year long he and his wicked m... Full story
Bib Huber (Christmas carols playing.) Ah the holidays, that time of year for fireplaces and hot spiced cider, the sounds of crinkling wrapping paper and children squealing, and, of course — THE CURSE OF OLD MAN CLONCH! (Carols segue to ominous music.) When I was a kid, it was tough being bad during the holidays, because my kindly mother kept reminding me about Old Man Clonch. He was the ANTI-SANTA! She warned that Old Man Clonch lived way up on top of Lookout Mountain west of our Colorado home, and all year long he and his wi...
It’s Christmas time again, and I’ve found a unique gift for my favorite college student. I’m providing her with a new mascot for her university. I’ll bet your favorite students are tired of jokes about their mascot too. You see, my student’s athletic teams are the “Greyhounds,” a bony, bald canine suitable only for chasing mechanical rabbits, long bus trips, and wiseacre remarks. But look at other schools: Wisconsin has its Gophers, Indiana its Hoosiers, Georgetown its Hoyas. And what do our kids get? Smart-alecky...
It’s Christmas time again, and I’ve found a unique gift for my favorite college student. I’m providing her with a new mascot for her university. I’ll bet your favorite students are tired of jokes about their mascot too. You see, my student’s athletic teams are the “Greyhounds,” a bony, bald canine suitable only for chasing mechanical rabbits, long bus trips, and wiseacre remarks. But look at other schools: Wisconsin has its Gophers, Indiana its Hoosiers, Georgetown its Hoyas. And what do our kids get? Smart-alecky... Full story
On the north side of our house, a scant five feet from our living room, stands a scraggly apple tree planted about the same time as the battle at Appomattox by a fun-loving previous owner. Each spring I prune it, because it likes to creep under the roof and change TV channels, and I’m tired of “Walker, Texas Ranger.” Which brings up the subject of politically correct letters to the editor, such as the one I received a few months back but somehow lost under a pile of useful information on my desk. If I hadn’t run out of bathro...
On the north side of our house, a scant five feet from our living room, stands a scraggly apple tree planted about the same time as the battle at Appomattox by a fun-loving previous owner. Each spring I prune it, because it likes to creep under the roof and change TV channels, and I’m tired of “Walker, Texas Ranger.” Which brings up the subject of politically correct letters to the editor, such as the one I received a few months back but somehow lost under a pile of useful information on my desk. If I hadn’t run out of bathro... Full story
December never inspired enthusiasm around our house. We steadfastly refused to join Santa Claus in his annual extortion ploy, and we stopped having babies 40 years ago at the end of each year for income tax purposes. That’s about all there is to December. But December in Texas — that state where old men with flashlights wander around at night looking for an honest man — means the sandhill cranes have come home after fooling around up north all summer, and everyone is happy to see them. Some folks even say they make a dandy...
December never inspired enthusiasm around our house. We steadfastly refused to join Santa Claus in his annual extortion ploy, and we stopped having babies 40 years ago at the end of each year for income tax purposes. That’s about all there is to December. But December in Texas — that state where old men with flashlights wander around at night looking for an honest man — means the sandhill cranes have come home after fooling around up north all summer, and everyone is happy to see them. Some folks even say they make a dandy... Full story
I’m addicted to collecting memorable quotes. I can’t help it. I have shoeboxes full. My wife Marilyn often called me a poor man’s “Reader’s Digest” looking for a bathroom. At one time I thought I should categorize all my quotes — you know, with headings like “Stupid Remarks,” or “Racy Statements.” I never did, because like all addicts, I didn’t really care about their genres. I just had to have them a couple times a day. Then along came computers, so one evening I sat down to transcribe my hand-writ quotes into computerese...
I’m addicted to collecting memorable quotes. I can’t help it. I have shoeboxes full. My wife Marilyn often called me a poor man’s “Reader’s Digest” looking for a bathroom. At one time I thought I should categorize all my quotes — you know, with headings like “Stupid Remarks,” or “Racy Statements.” I never did, because like all addicts, I didn’t really care about their genres. I just had to have them a couple times a day. Then along came computers, so one evening I sat down to transcribe my hand-writ quotes into computerese...
You ladies undoubtedly want to go in the other room and talk about whatever it is you talk about when you get together, because we guys will be smoking cigars in here, talking football, and we’ll flat out bore you to death. Aw, don’t thank me. We’ll miss you. Have they gone? Can they hear us? You there by the door, keep a cocked ear in case they come back. Now, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Red alert! It’s time for you young guys to learn the devastating phrases and gestures that your girlfriends will employ after you...
You ladies undoubtedly want to go in the other room and talk about whatever it is you talk about when you get together, because we guys will be smoking cigars in here, talking football, and we’ll flat out bore you to death. Aw, don’t thank me. We’ll miss you. Have they gone? Can they hear us? You there by the door, keep a cocked ear in case they come back. Now, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Red alert! It’s time for you young guys to learn the devastating phrases and gestures that your girlfriends will employ after you... Full story
