Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
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Here at the Trivia Memorial Library (Motto: If you wish you were young again, think algebra), we’ve been gathering thought-provoking quotes from icons so that someday we can publish them and make big bucks. These samples are gleaned from politicians, industry leaders and bureaucrats, followed by movie stars and sports figures. •“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” (A former Texas senator who shall remain nameless) •“Outside of the killings, Washington ha...
Those of us who worked the news side of the Denver Post became concerned when Downhill Updyke stopped inventing elaborate practical jokes. When we asked him about it, he said he was just getting too old to play games. Pranks in those days were common in the city room, and in his heyday Downhill had been the master. His jokes were legend, and he reveled in the limelight whenever stories were told after work at the Denver Press Club. Some of us were concerned that he might get the d.t.’s if he tried to quit cold turkey. One of...
Here at the Great Thoughts Institute, we’re pursuing our never-ending quest for bliss in the American family. Today’s lesson is, “How to Avoid Grandchildren, and Is It Possible?” Ask any grandfather, and he’ll say it’s easier to give up tobacco and booze, even cussing, than it is to shuck our grandkids. We really do love the little guys, most of them, some of the time, like a litter of spotted pups, but the bottom line is we loathe being responsible for them. That’s logical, because responsibility, or the lack of it, is the...
Here at the Ministry of Pesky Problems we’ve stated again and again that we’re not putting up with daylight-saving time anymore. If the powerful daylight-saving time lobby wants to make something of it, so be it. This straightforward decree came about because the entire civilized world went totally wacko this month over clock juggling. This phenomenon goes back to Biblical times when Noah went boating one evening at high tide because he forgot to set his hourglass ahead. I like to think I keep reasonable tabs on most of God...
Here at the Ministry of Pesky Problems we’ve stated again and again that we’re not putting up with daylight-saving time anymore. If the powerful daylight-saving time lobby wants to make something of it, so be it. This straightforward decree came about because the entire civilized world went totally wacko this month over clock juggling. This phenomenon goes back to Biblical times when Noah went boating one evening at high tide because he forgot to set his hourglass ahead. I like to think I keep reasonable tabs on most of God...
When I started high school, no one warned me that students danced cheek to cheek every day during lunch hour in the gymnasium. Had I known, I would have stayed in the eighth grade until Mr. Roosevelt drafted me or Social Security kicked in, whichever came first. What happened was, I sat one day on the school steps with some other ninth-grade guys, pondering rocket science as I recall, and someone proposed we check out the gym. “What for?” I asked. A vague answer came back, because my friends had no more idea what went on in t...
When I started high school, no one warned me that students danced cheek to cheek every day during lunch hour in the gymnasium. Had I known, I would have stayed in the eighth grade until Mr. Roosevelt drafted me or Social Security kicked in, whichever came first. What happened was, I sat one day on the school steps with some other ninth-grade guys, pondering rocket science as I recall, and someone proposed we check out the gym. “What for?” I asked. A vague answer came back, because my friends had no more idea what went on in t...
Today’s topic is April Fools’ Day Hangovers and how to live through them. When I was a kid, the second day of April was a time of thanksgiving, a moment when youngsters across the land turned their eyes skyward and gave tearful thanks for surviving another year of April Fools’ pranks. Everyone felt the same way, because it was obligatory in those days for all stout-hearted little people to shove stickers down their best friend’s gym socks and other innocent gags. No one knew why. It was just the nature of things. But a more f...
Today’s topic is April Fools’ Day Hangovers and how to live through them. When I was a kid, the second day of April was a time of thanksgiving, a moment when youngsters across the land turned their eyes skyward and gave tearful thanks for surviving another year of April Fools’ pranks. Everyone felt the same way, because it was obligatory in those days for all stout-hearted little people to shove stickers down their best friend’s gym socks and other innocent gags. No one knew why. It was just the nature of things. But a more f...
Here at the Blackwater Law Review, we’re pondering a timely question: Do we have so many laws because we’re crazy, or are we crazy because we have so many laws? As legal scholars, we know all about Parkinson’s Law, Murphy’s Law and others of that ilk. But dozens of new ones keep popping up every day, especially when the legislature’s in session, and we’re here to warn you about them. For instance, have you heard about the Coffee Law or the Law of Biomechanics? Our research dug up at least two dozen new laws just this year....
Remember when Hollywood swept into New Mexico in the 1960s, ruthlessly taking over hearth and home from innocent, downtrodden natives who had carved a state out of the wilderness after moving here during the Eisenhower years? I was a United Press foreign correspondent in Santa Fe at the time and had hired an eager female reporter to do footwork while I sat at a nearby soda fountain, reading newspapers and clipping stories. One day I saw that Hollywood was shooting a movie nearby called, “Nobody Likes a Drunk Indian.” I cal...
Remember when Hollywood swept into New Mexico in the 1960s, ruthlessly taking over hearth and home from innocent, downtrodden natives who had carved a state out of the wilderness after moving here during the Eisenhower years? I was a United Press foreign correspondent in Santa Fe at the time — my specialty was banana republics — and had hired an eager female reporter to do footwork while I sat at a nearby soda fountain, reading newspapers and clipping stories. One day I saw that Hollywood was shooting a movie nearby cal...
Just when I was beginning to enjoy my twilight years, our youngest offspring ran out of money in her quest for a Guinness record for years in college. Her husband, once removed, pressured me into tiding them over by temporarily buying his overpriced motorcycle — a Kamikaze 500 or something Japanese like that. He stored it in our barn, and said he’d come back the following week and get it. My wife, Marilyn, labeled the transaction another dry spell in my suspension of disbelief. She looked at the bike sorrowfully. “My mothe...
It’s spring again. Daffodils are sprouting, cranes are flying north, and you’re trying to sell one of your kids to pay for gas for your summer vacation. Oh yeah, and city elections are also taking place, which doesn’t warrant a big applause, but any psychiatrist worth his sofa will tell you that we could use an end to the weeks of political rhetoric. Still, there’s an aspect of elections you should think about. You see, the basic goal of these political shenanigans is to provide a level playing field for self-pr...
When spring rears its ugly head in these dusty parts, I always get claustrophobia — a fear of being trapped in a 1957 Chevy with a polecat. I caught that terminal ailment when our kids were small, and our family drove through a rain storm. What happened was, we went to the mountains one spring day on a fun-filled family adventure. To outdoors aficionados our woodsy paraphernalia may have appeared a bit lacking — Army surplus pup tents, some blankets, a coffee pot, a frying pan, a Zippo lighter, some basic grub, and our dogs,...
By the time I reached the sixth grade, my mother began to slip. I found out later that this phenomenon was rather widespread. I just hadn’t noticed before. I first spotted it when she allowed me to wear belted pants. Prior to the sixth grade I wore only bib overalls. Mom bought them one pair at a time every few months or so. That way I owned two pair — one for everyday use plus a larger-sized pair for Sundays and special occasions. “You’ll grow into them,” she said. Only when my everyday overalls reached a point where my frie...
Speaking of February, I’m reminded of that old Valentine that says, “Never fall in love with a girl from behind,” which doesn’t say much for clever love messages or the absolute truth that a girl in hand is worth two in the bush. But it does say something about how we celebrate February holidays these days. For instance: Folks used to close stores and schools for the birthdays of both Washington and Lincoln, but nowadays it’s business and hot lunches as usual. Then they bound together those two favorite political leaders w...
Here at the Homeless Language Shelter we’re keeping a wary eye on the annual March for Animals in Washington, D.C. We’re not sure what animals they’re marching for, but human beings, mostly news reporters, get all tangled up when they try to describe the event. Here’s the problem: Reporters generally have limited knowledge of specific terms for groups of animals. Lord knows, they’ve got enough to remember what with e-mail porn addresses and White House phone spying. They’ve always known about prides of lions and gaggles of...
Here at the Horoscope Symposium of Oz it’s time once again for our annual Zodiac report to see what’s up your flagpole for the coming year. Which just naturally dredges up concern for folks who believe that success and happiness can be nurtured by the heavens. Frankly, I’m not convinced, but part of the Old Man’s Creed says I have to be tolerant of folks’ whims, so I solemnly adhere to the Latin bromide that says, “Modus Vivendi,” which means, “We can get along, if we don’t see each other very much.” That’s why I recent...
I opened a box of Pandoras a couple years ago when I wrote about those good old days of Burma Shave signs — you know, the little red billboards on every highway that kept us awake, clean shaved, and the children from being bored. (It didn’t take much to entertain them in those days.) But ever since I wrote about them, hardly a month has gone by without favorite Burma Shave quatrains arriving from faithful readers. They range from the importance of Burma Shave Cream to safe driving tips, from snotty retorts to clever con...
Kids in my hometown had a summer bonus — donkeys they could ride all day long each year, free of charge. All they had to do was catch them, and my friends had the scars to prove it, mainly tooth marks on their behinds. This unique situation came about when the Great Depression caused mining operations in Colorado to improve the environment by shutting down. Donkeys, previously used to haul ore cars, were simply turned loose, and they were hard to catch and the devil to ride. What more could a kid ask in those pre-war days of...
Bob Huber: Local Columnist When I was 20, I didn’t know the meaning of the word “panache,” but I went looking for it anyway. As far as I knew, it meant class with flair. Certain movie stars had it — Tyrone Power and Douglas Fairbanks Jr. — and so did roosters in my mother’s chicken house. Guys I knew never had it, especially if they thought they did. But I was a worldly young man in those days, fresh from three fun-filled years in our nation’s Bathtub Navy, and when I saw a Model-A Ford, black and dusty, sitting on a...
When I was 20, I didn’t know the meaning of the word “panache,” but I went looking for it anyway. As far as I knew, it meant class with flair. Certain movie stars had it — Tyrone Power and Douglas Fairbanks Jr. — and so did roosters in my mother’s chicken house. Guys I knew never had it, especially if they thought they did. But I was a worldly young man in those days, fresh from three fun-filled years in our nation’s Bathtub Navy, and when I saw a Model-A Ford, black and dusty, sitting on a used car lot in my hometown, I k...
Bob Huber: Local Columnist With a new year upon us, it’s time to re-evaluate the rules by which we live. After all, we’re a year older and wiser now, and some of our self-governing moods just don’t apply anymore. Behind this endeavor is the fact that each new year I sit down and think up new guidelines to live by for the next 365 days. When I was 20, they centered mostly on how to trap yahoos of the opposite sex. By the time I was 70 and had been married 50 years that view changed. I became more interested in hearty break...
Bob Huber: Local Columnist Advertisement With a new year upon us, it’s time to re-evaluate the rules by which we live. After all, we’re a year older and wiser now, and some of our self-governing moods just don’t apply anymore. Behind this endeavor is the fact that each new year I sit down and think up new guidelines to live by for the next 365 days. When I was 20, they centered mostly on how to trap yahoos of the opposite sex. By the time I was 70 and had been married 50 years that view changed. I became more inter...
