Only in America; One-liners to remember

Bob HuberI’m an ardent collector of one-liners, and they stand out like traffic cops on the Information Highway. It used to be,

I’m an ardent collector of one-liners, and they stand out like traffic cops on the Information Highway. It used to be, before I learned my computer’s bells and whistles, that I had to stay up late and take notes from TV shows like Jay Leno and David Letterman. Now I just log onto the Internet any time of day.

That’s where I find one liners like this: “Only in America do business operators make sick folks walk to the back of the store for prescriptions, but provide cigarettes and booze for healthy folks up front.”

Anyway, that’s what my computer said the other day, so I continued to read from the list entitled “Only in America.” Here’s what it said:

Only in America ...

• Are there handicap-parking places in front of skating rinks.

• Do folks order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a light beer.

• Do we leave our $20,000 cars in the driveway and put our $200 lawn mowers in the garages.

• Do we use answering machines so we can screen calls we don’t want to get, but call-waiting machines to make sure we don’t miss any calls we don’t want to get.

• Do we have to buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of eight.

• Do we misuse the word “politics.” In Latin, “poli” means “many,” and tics are bloodsucking insects.

• Do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering on the keys.

Well, the list went on and on, and I grew weary, so I perused another list on the Internet labeled “Ever Wonder Why?”

It went like this:

Ever wonder why ...

• Women can’t put on mascara with their mouths closed?

• You never see a headline that reads, “Psychic Wins Lottery?”

• “Thesaurus” doesn’t have a synonym?

• Doctors and lawyers call their work “practice?”

• Lemon juice is made with artificial flavor while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

• They don’t say who tests the new and better tasting dog food?

• They sterilize the needle for lethal injection?

• Sheep don’t shrink after a rain?

• They call airports “terminals?”

In another area, I found some weird instructions on consumer goods. I’ll omit the brand names to protect the guilty. Here they are:

• On a hair dryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”

• On a bag of corn chips: “You may be a winner. No purchase necessary. Details inside.”

• On a bar of anti-biotic cleanser: “Use like regular soap.”

• On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion. Defrost.”

• On a bread pudding mix: “Product will be hot after heating.”

• On an iron package: “Do not iron clothes on body.”

• On a child’s cough medicine: “Do not drive or operate machinery after taking this medication.”

• On a sleep aid: “Warning. May cause drowsiness.”

• On Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”

• On a package of peanuts: “Warning. Contains nuts.”

• On a child’s Superman costume: “Warning. This garment does not enable you to fly.”

Hey, don’t get discombobulated and write me threatening letters full of misspellings for bringing you these vital messages. Just keep this maxim in mind: “Smile. You never know when it may come in handy.”

Bob Huber is a retired journalist.