Place your bets on 2005’s top stories

A pretty good year, was 2004, until a bunch of scumbags — and by scumbags we’re talking your basic media here — came along and made us read all those year-end stories.

There was the best of this, the best of that. The top 10 here, the top 10 there. Even Dave Barry, the nation’s premier humorist, got into the act. Acres of forest were churned into newsprint so David could render his annual three-page recap of news events.

Poor Dave seemed fixated on Janet Jackson’s right breast even though, as he might point out, the exit polls rate Janet’s Super Bowl boob display as only narrowly edging out the Florida hurricanes in “news the nation cares about.”

Haven’t you just had it up to here with all this year-end babble? You’re darn tootin’ you have. That’s why this year we are going to get it done up front, right here, right now, so you won’t have to wait until December to spoil 2005.

Here, then, are some of the top news stories that will captivate New Mexico and the nation in the months to come.

• New Mexico keeps her priorities straight. Those who watch such things continue to wring their hands and threaten lawsuits over the checkerspot butterfly that lives in high-elevation meadows near Cloudcroft. They take aim at the Fish and Wildlife Services for excluding the checkerspot butterfly from its endangered species list.

Meanwhile, in the Pajarito Mesa near Albuquerque, 300 families live with no paved roads, no water, no sewer systems, no phone lines. Pointing out there is no Endangered Species Act for humans, people who watch such things say, “Hey, if they don’t like living in a poor area, let them move to a rich one.”

• Donald Rumsfeld returns to Iraq to bolster the troops. On yet another visit to the war-torn area, Dandy Don is asked by a soldier during a nationally televised Q & A session if he can’t do something about guns that keep jamming. “Hey, you guys can’t shoot straight anyway, can you?” the jocular defense secretary cackles.

The American people are outraged by Rummy’s seeming insensitivity until President Bush explains, “Listen, Don Rumsfeld is a crotchety old coot, but that’s just his way. If you knew him, you’d love him.” And an incredibly gullible American people say, “Oh, OK.”

• Entire La Cueva football team drafted by Cowboys. Bears light up the 2005 record books with 650 points to their opponents’ 3, the lone score notched when Clovis kids sneak out before the game starts and kick a field goal. La Cueva entertains a blanket contract by Dallas, the offer withdrawn when it is discovered six La Cueva starters are moonlighting Vikings.

• Guess what happened at Los Alamos lab? Fill in the blank. You know somehow, some way, the national laboratory will make weird news, probably CNN-type stuff. Something like, dadgumit, we lost the key to the front door and can’t get into the joint.

• First Bill Richardson VP mention comes early. The New Mexico governor continues to remind us he is not interested in higher political office, but the national pundits won’t listen. As early as January, New York Times columnist William Safire tells Meet the Press the Dems will nominate Evan Bayh and Bill in 2008. What happened to Hillary?

Ned Cantwell is a retired newspaperman living in Ruidoso. Contact him at: [email protected]