view from under the pew: belling the cat

Gary Mitchell: CNJ columnist

Editor’s note: Amos is a church mouse, who types by hopping on the computer keyboard keys, but he can’t operate the capital shift, and he shuns punctuation marks – except dashes and hyphens.

belling the cat

marcellus the mangy

ungodly cat has been

running amuck here boss

terrorizing little mice

hamsters guinea pigs and

even experimental white

rats like willifred

it s crisis of biblical

proportions cried henny-penny

who had just escaped from

the-sky-is-falling insane

asylum for lunatic chicks

it s raining cats and dogs

minus the dogs lamented

the addled chicken the sky

is falling again the sky is

falling again

bertie woeworm just happened

to be wiggling by and he took

up the refrain the cats are coming

the cats are coming woe is us

woe is us the sky is overflowing

with flying cats oh woe is us

we ll all soon be mush

things were getting a little

out of hand boss even sammy

salamander was sobbing

wherever he swam and little

dewey duck was wringing

his webbed feet in despair

so boss at our next meeting

of the wishy-washy american

rodent and toad society – warts –

willifred the white rat enumerated

marcellus the cat s heinous crimes –

scaring little baby rats chasing

elderly mice unmercifully scraping

his claws across linoleum kitchen

floors in the dead of night screeching

and howling with his buddies in the

alley after midnight and worst of all

sneaking up on poor helpless critters

when they least suspect dire danger

anywhere around

what will we do where will we go

there s no place to run no place

to hide a chorus of baby rats cried

then willifred the white rat

recalled a remark that

theophilus the noble first-

century cat offered about

how to handle troublesome

obnoxious 21st century cats

if you re having trouble

with a renegade cat just put

a bell around his neck and

you ll always know where

he s at it s as simple as that

and boss all the warts members

voted unanimously to bell

ol marcellus and make life

better for everyone

the only problem was who

would be the poor

unfortunate soul to do

the deed – and wouldn t you

know it boss i drew the

short straw

with bell in tow i tiptoed

straight to the nefarious lair

of marcellus but he wasn t

there ok so i get to go

home says me to myself

but then willifred s voice

came floating through

the air we re counting on

you amos don t fail us

so i set up an ambush

just above the cushion

where marcellus sleeps

i nearly fell asleep

waiting for that mangy

cat to show up and then

when he did i nearly died

after the monster finally

settled in and closed his

eyes i quietly lowered my

little lasso with the bell

attached but it hit him in

the nose and the ringing

of the bell woke him up

he chased me into the

nasty old cat litter box

and i went up and out

on top but then i tripped

and fell on the cat s

backside i jumped down

just in time to avoid

his swatting claws but

when i turned and looked

back my lasso with its bell

had looped itself around

marcellus s tail

the cat was belled

exclamation point here boss

now the tolling of

the bell signals peace

in our time – at least in the

church pew underworld

amos