Rules change as one gets older

It’s May again, time to gather ye the first gay blossoms of the greater stitchwort and go a-Maying. But if you’re into less strenuous activities, just give thanks you got through another winter. By and large, that can be a heady sensation.

That said, let’s today delve into the human psyche before the weather gets so hot you don’t want to think about it. In short, after reviewing motivating Internet messages and no small amount of CNN Sports, I came up with this topic — Truths to live by.

We’ll begin with great truths children should learn:

• No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize a cat.

• When Mom is mad at Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

• If your sister hits you, don’t hit back. Mom always sees the second blow.

•Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

• Don’t trust the dog to watch your food.

• Don’t sneeze while getting a haircut.

• Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

• You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

• Don’t wear Spiderman underwear under white shorts.

• The best place to be when the world is against you is on Grandpa’s lap.

•You can teach a cat to fly by sneaking up behind it and blowing a bugle.

• You can’t paint all four walls of a room by tying a can of paint to a ceiling fan.

And follow up with great truths adults should learn:

• You can’t nail Jell-O to a tree, and you can’t tell teenagers nothing.

• Wrinkles don’t hurt.

• Families are like fudge — sweet, but with nuts scattered here and there.

• Today’s mighty oak is yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

• Laughing is great exercise — jogging on the inside.

• Adulthood is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Then there are great truths about growing old:

• Growing up is optional — growing old is mandatory.

• Forget health foods. What you need are preservatives.

• When you stumble and fall, look for something to do while you’re down there.

• You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a rumble seat.

• You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.

• Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.

• Wisdom sometimes comes with age, but age most often comes all by itself.

And great truths about the stages of life (beard optional):

•First, you believe in Santa Claus.

• Then you don’t believe in Santa Claus.

• Then you are Santa Claus.

• Then you look like Santa Claus.

And great truths about success:

• At age 3, success is not wetting your britches.

• At 12, success is having friends.

• At 16, success is getting a driver’s license.

• At 35, success is having money.

• At 50, success is having excess money.

• At 70, success is having friends.

• At 80, success is retaining your driver’s license.

• At 90, success is not wetting your britches.

And finally great truths about old age:

•Old age is when all young girls begin to look alike.

•Old age is always 15 years older than you are.

• Old age is when you stop dodging temptation and start wondering if you missed something.

• Old age is when you wake up and wonder if you’re still here.

Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.