Profiling key method for recognizing Texans

Today’s lecture will cover the methods employed by airport security officers to recognize dangerous persons and then delay them until their plane has been retired, scrapped, and turned into a fleet of riding lawn mowers. It’s called “profiling,” the evil scourge of the 21st Century.

No one is safe from profiling, and we should put an end to it before it destroys the sacred game of football and the American way. Still, it might come in handy if we wanted to identify a person in a dark alley, just in case we see one.

As an example, let’s look under the category “Texans.” See if you’ve spotted any lately. In fact, look in a mirror — you may be one. So you might be a Texan if you believe ...

• Armadillos and skunks like to sleep on roads with all four feet in the air.

• Raccoons test your melons to let you know when they’re ripe.

• What grows will stick you. What crawls will bite.

• Nothing will kill bamboo or mesquite.

• The wind can blow 90 mph from October to June. In between are “tornaders.”

• “Onced” and “twiced” are valid words.

• “Coldbeer” is too.

• You like okra, but you don’t get many Christmas cards.

• Folks will bring you free dogs and cats when you move to the country.

• Howling coyotes sound pleasant for a week or so.

• You should see a doctor if buzzards park on your fence and stare at you.

• “Fixinto” is a valid word, as in, “I’m fixinto. Quit naggin.’”

• A “tank” is an earth pond for irrigation, unless it’s of a septic variety. Then it’s a cesspool.

• “Sweet ice tea” is a drink for all meals. You drank it first at age 2.

• “Bakards and fords” means you know everything about something.

• “Jeet yet?” is an invitation to dinner.

• Distances are measured in hours.

• You can switch from “A/C” to “Heat” in an afternoon.

• Stores have sacks, not bags.

• All festivals are named for fruit or vegetables.

• It’s all right to install security lights but leave the house and buildings unlocked.

• The best tools in your car trunk are jumper cables.

• Cow tippin’ and snipe huntin’ are fun.

• The four main spices everyone should have in the kitchen are salt, pepper, catsup, and Tabasco.

• Everyone from out of state has an accent.

• Your pajamas are T- shirts and shorts.

• Your local paper covers national news on a half page, but devotes two full pages to last Friday night’s high school football game.

• The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

• Certain leaves should never be used as toilet paper.

• One hundred degrees is a tad warm.

• The four seasons are almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

• You can tell which county another Texan is from by his accent.

• “Going Wal-Martin” is a religious saying.

• Another name for Wal-Mart is “Wallywood.”

• A cold snap is “good chili weather.”

• All carbonated soft drinks are Cokes.

• “Jevver” is a valid word, as in: “Jevver hear anything so dumb in your life?”

• “Idinit” is a genteel substitute for the word “ain’t.”

• “Dayum” is a swear word from “Gone With the Wind.”

• “Munts” are the dozen divisions of a year.

• “Quietus” means an abrupt end to something, such as, “He was running around with that waitress from the Blue Moon until his wife put the quietus on it.”

Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.