Light shed on gender differences

Bob Huber: Local Columnist

So there I was, crying myself to sleep last week with a lingering summer flu, when I decided in my delirium to write a Pulitzer Prize-winning drama. I searched for a deep, scholarly theme that would incorporate today’s most nagging social problems, and finally settled on three issues: love, war, and daylight savings time.

Naturally I trimmed the fat by excluding love and war. I wasn’t planning to sell the drama to Disney anyway.

Besides, I remembered what my wife, Marilyn, always said about the battle of the sexes: “It’s a waste of time because it’s too easy to fraternize with the enemy.” Anyway, here’s the opening scene.

A man and wife sit at the supper table, discussing world events.

Man: Now that we’re back on standard time, will it be dark or light when I get up in the morning?

Wife: Depends on when you get up and where you are.

Man: I know that, but does time shift ahead or back?

Wife: Time doesn’t shift. You do. You spring forward or fall back.

Man: (Looks puzzled.) What I mean is, when I let the dog out, will it be light?

Wife: (Makes a face and puts more sugar on her grits.) It’ll be dark.

Man: How do you know?

Wife: Because the dog always wants out at midnight, and it’s always dark. Put another way, when you’ve let the dog out, have you ever seen him cast a shadow?

Man: (Looks blank) So, will it be light or dark at, say, 6:30 in the morning now that daylight savings time is gone?

Wife: Which day are you talking about? Forget weekends. You always sleep late on weekends. And you never shave on weekends. Things can get pretty much out of control on weekends.

Man: (Looks toward heaven but find no help.) Let’s just say a Tuesday.

Wife: Is that your final answer?

Man: Yes, Regis, I’m sticking with Tuesday.

Wife: Well then, what month?

Man: (Looks wary) Uh, well, let’s have November.

Wife: How come you picked a Tuesday in November? This isn’t an election year. What’s wrong with a Monday in January?

Man: Right. A Monday in January then.

Wife: You’re not thinking about getting up early in the morning to go jogging again, are you? The last time you tried that, I had to wait around all day to get the report from the hospital. If you are, I’m certainly going to take up quantum physics again. You straight on that?

Man: I’m straight. Now, will you tell me if it will be light at 6:30 on a clear Monday morning in January?

Wife: (Folds her arms and looks smug.) Maybe I will, and maybe I won’t. You see, I always shower at 6:30 in the morning, and I won’t know if it’s light or dark outside. All I care about is plenty of hot water and a good shampoo.

Man: (Looks over his shoulder.) Are we speaking the same language here?

Wife: I don’t know. What was the question?

Man: (Lunges at her with a fork.) Eeeaaauuugh! Eeeaaauuugh!