Socks key in yearly predictions

Here at the Horoscope Symposium of Oz it’s time once again for our annual Zodiac report to see what’s up your flagpole for the coming year. Which just naturally dredges up concern for folks who believe that success and happiness can be nurtured by the heavens.

Frankly, I’m not convinced, but part of the Old Man’s Creed says I have to be tolerant of folks’ whims, so I solemnly adhere to the Latin bromide that says, “Modus Vivendi,” which means, “We can get along, if we don’t see each other very much.”

That’s why I recently spent a couple of minutes studying your horoscope. After mind-boggling research into lofty mathematics and the odds on the Super Bowl, I finally came up with today’s guidelines for the coming year. All you have to do is find your Zodiac sign or the date of your birth, whichever comes first, and you’ll be set for the next 12 months.

But be warned — unless you are a wealthy, professional, devil-may-care columnist like me, you should not try soothsaying without adult supervision. Here we go anyway:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you get fired this year, don’t have a split fit. This just isn’t your year. It might be time to move to Costa Rica and wear red socks.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you want sympathy this year, catch a cold. Keep in mind, however, that no one likes a runny nose at the supper table. Socks, blue.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Friends may be disgusted by your take-over attitude this year, but stick with it. It’s the first time you’ve ever asserted yourself. Next year you can relax and be your normal wishy-washy self again. Wear yellow socks.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Enthusiasm over your latest endeavor could go a long way this year toward purging your name from Christmas card lists. No matter, most folks can’t spell pornography anyway. Socks: purple.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21): Take the rest of the year off and go bear hunting with a Swiss Army pocket knife You’ll benefit from this low-stress fun. Socks: azure.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): Live by the code that says it’s a squeaky wheel that makes folks cover their ears and grind their teeth. Demand that everyone do their share, and then go fishing. Socks: coral.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): That was a dumb stunt you pulled New Year’s Eve. You can’t get by with a simple apology. Grovel a little. Socks: gray.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You might try hitching your wagon to a star this year, but avoid clichés. And remember, wars may be won or lost, but cheerleaders are a guy’s best friend. Socks: raspberry.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): It’s an ill wind that blows the TV antenna off your roof this year, so buy lots of lottery tickets. Ignore any dirty messages on your computer. And for goodness sake, clean off your desk. What a mess. Socks: fuchsia.

SCORPIO Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Market your creations this year, even if no one wants to buy a table cloth made of woven cow pies. Remember, they didn’t appreciate Count Dracula either, and look how popular he is today. Socks: avoid aqua.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Switch to martinis this year and mellow out, but don’t get carried away. After four martinis it won’t make any difference if you’re mellow or not. Socks: pink, as in elephant.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan 19): Get rid of your chickens this year. After a couple of days you’ll be able to go barefoot again. Socks: don’t wear any.

Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.