You’re old! Now the bad news...

Bob Huber : Local Columnist

Here at the Foundation for Doing Away with Old Age, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that you get perks in your golden years that make you giggle with delight. The bad news is the perks seldom make up for the price you have to pay.

As Bette Davis, the AARP Magazine poster girl, said, “Old age ain’t for sissies.”

But here’s the good news:

• Kidnappers aren’t interested in you.

• In a hostage situation, you’re likely to be released first.

• No one expects you to run — anywhere.

• Folks call at three in the afternoon and ask, “Did I wake you up?”

• You’re no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

• There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

• Things you buy now won’t wear out.

• You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

• You become an expert on whose pension is best.

• You no longer think speed limits are a challenge.

• You quit holding your stomach in no matter who you meet.

• You hum along with elevator music.

• Your eyes won’t get much worse.

• Your investment in health insurance finally pays off.

• Your knee joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

• Your secrets are safe with friends, because they can’t remember them either.

• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

• You can’t remember why you compiled this list.

• The advantage to being really old is there’s no more peer pressure.

However, the bad news tends to balance the old age perks like this:

• You’re not pushing 80. You’re dragging it.

• Old age is when you’ve met so many people, each new person reminds you of someone else, and usually is.

• You’re at that stage in life when if a girl says no, you’re profoundly grateful.

• The three signs of old age are loss of memory and you forget the other two.

• You’re at an age when a pretty girl smiles, you immediately look down to see if you’re unzipped.

• Life begins at 60, but so does bad eyesight, arthritis and telling the same story three times to the same listeners.

• You’re at an age when your back goes out more than you do.

• You used to dread getting older because you wouldn’t get to do all the things you wanted to do, but now that you’re older, you don’t want to do them.

• You finally know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

• Old age converted you to religion. You never believed in hell until you were 75.

• Conscience gets a lot of credit that belongs to old age.

• Old age doesn’t keep you from doing something. It just keeps you from enjoying it.

• The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.

• There are no atheists in old age.