June can never come too soon

Bob Huber : Local Columnist

I love June. With each passing year, I love it even more. That’s because it contains Flag Day, D-Day, Father’s Day, my birthday and National Eat More Prunes Day. It’s a month-long feast of gala celebrations, if you get my drift.

If Congress had a lick of sense, they’d set June aside as a month-long holiday. Banks would close for 30 days, post offices would stop flooding you with fourth-class mail and federal bureaucracies would come to a screeching halt. Don’t tell me folks from Maine to Hawaii wouldn’t sigh with relief at THAT prospect.

If you were born late in June as I was — I should say born in late June, because statistics show almost everyone is born either early or late, no matter what anyone says — then you’re under the sign of Cancer the Crab. That means you’re artistic, suave, lovable and prone to a debonair baldness.

An effort was made a few years ago to change the name “Cancer” to something more appealing such as “Moon Children” or “Lunar Kinder,” but traditionalist Crabs formed a coalition with Pisces and called for a vote when Taurus went out for a coffee break, and that was that.

Some famous folks were born Cancers, such as P.T. Barnum and Ernest Hemingway. Others, using only their famous last names, were Whistler, Farragut, Hampden, Buck, Norris, Pankhurst, Beecher, Skinner, Tugwell, Garibaldi, Borah, Watts, Crowninshield, Windsor, Blackstone, Jones and The VIII.

Our flag was adopted in June, but don’t believe that old wives’ tale about Betsy Ross. You’ve seen a painting of Betsy stitching away at the flag — it’s in every child’s school book — but that’s a myth. The painting you saw sprang forth about 100 years later and was copied from a photo called “A Quaker Lady of Lancaster,” a grainy snapshot that would have slipped into obscurity if it hadn’t been for a starving artist who copied it and who also remains unidentified to this day.

No one knows who the Quaker lady was either, but that’s June for you. It’s full of romantic mysteries.

In other historic June events, Pizarro, the Spanish conquistador of Peru, was assassinated. He was a Leo anyway, so no one paid much attention.

It’s a good idea to hold onto little factoids like that when your wife gently reminds you that she can’t think of a thing to give you for your birthday, and what would you suggest? You’ll probably answer, “A Swiss bank account?” or something simple like that, but she goes on by saying, “It’s more important to lavish gifts on our children anyway.”

“Children!” you cry.

“Yes, and just because you’re a year older, that’s no excuse to keep grousing at the grandkids all the time,” she goes on. “And stop going to sleep while playing bridge, and lay off the sarcastic remarks about my worthless brother.”

But I like June anyway, because, as I told my wife each year, it holds our wedding anniversary. “Forget my blathering,” she always replied. “What are you getting me?”

Incidentally, the Battle of Waterloo occurred in June, and ever since, the French have been acting like it never happened. There’s no such thing as Waterloo Day around Paris bistros. They have everything else in Paris, but they’re sore losers.

Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. Some of his stories are mostly true. He can be contacted at [email protected]