Kids can say the darnedest things

If you’re looking for answers that have eluded mankind for a dozen millennia, find a bunch of kids. They have all the answers. I received a real-life list of these answers recently from my niece Whitney, a soon-to-be college graduate. (No gifts please; send money!) Here they are:

How do you decide who to marry?

•“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff you do. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” (Alan, 10)

•“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides that, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.” (Kirsten,10)

What is the right age to get married?

•“Twenty-three is the best age, because you know the person forever by then.” (Camille, 10)

•“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.” (Freddie, 6)

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

•“You have to guess based on whether they both are yelling at the same kids.” (Derrick, 8)

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

•“Both don’t want any more kids.” (Lori, 8)

What do most people do on a date?

•“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” (Lynnette, 8)

•“On the first date they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them to the second date.” (Martin, 10)

What would you do if your first date turned sour?

•“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I’d call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in the dead columns.” (Craig, 9)

When is it OK to kiss someone?

•“When they’re rich.” (Pam, 7)

•“The law says you have to be 18, so I won’t mess with that.” (Curt, 7)

•“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you got to marry them and have kids. It’s the right thing to do.” (Howard, 8)

Is it better to be single or married?

•“It’s better for girls to be single, but not boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”(Anita, 9)

How would the world be different if people didn’t marry?

•“You’d have to do a lot of explaining about your kids, wouldn’t you?” (Kevin, 8)

How would you make a marriage work?

•“I’d tell my wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.” (Ricky, 10)

•“My dad always told my mom three things: ‘You look pretty,’ ‘That was a delicious meal’ and ‘I love you.’ You do that every day and pretty soon even your wife will begin to believe you.” (Bobby, 9)