Children’s logic often produces smiles

Whenever I write about the wonder of school children and their test papers, I get enough fodder for another column from teachers who save them. Some, of course, are a little too shady to appear in a family newspaper, and so I sell them on the black market.

Here are the latest witty comments gleaned from science tests. Sit back, put your feet up, and enjoy the half-vast intelligence of these children. Keep in mind, they will be running the world 30 years from now.

• Question: Name the four seasons. Answer: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

• Question: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. Answer: Flirtation makes water safe to drink, because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

• Question: How is dew formed? Answer: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them sweat.

• Question: What is a planet? Answer: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

• Question: What causes tides in the ocean? Answer: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

• Question: What are steroids? Answer: Things for keeping carpets on stairs.

• Question: What happens to your body as you age? Answer: When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get intercontinental.

• Question: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? Answer: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.

• Question: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. Answer: Premature death.

• Question: How can you delay milk turning sour Answer: Keep it in the cow.

• Question: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (Such as abdomen, etc.) Answer: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U.

• Question: What is the fibula? Answer: A small lie.

• Question: What does “varicose” mean? Answer: Nearby.

• Question: What is the most common form of birth control? Answer: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.

• Question: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian section.” Answer: It’s a district in Rome where all the emperors live.

• Question: What is a seizure? Answer: A Roman emperor.

• Question: What is a terminal illness? Answer: When you are sick at the airport.

• Question: What does the word “benign” mean? Answer: Benign is what you are after you are eight.

• Question: What is a fungus and what is a characteristic feature? Answer: Mushrooms. They grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.