Compete, but have balance

I am a competitive person. Not too strange if you consider that my dad’s tender words in most situations that involved me and others were, “You must destroy your adversaries at all cost — I want to see destruction in your eyes.”

And so I tried. I tried my best to beat the competition in my dance classes, in school, when I worked on Wall Street — though I failed miserably as an analyst and in many things that I did.

And it really didn’t work. It didn’t work because it made me feel like I was either on top of the world or at the bottom. I was driven by my belief that if I didn’t get to my destination first, someone else would get there and I would be left without a place. Which leads me to the conclusion that this is why I always hated the musical chair game. Luckily there aren’t many opportunities for me to play this game anymore, but this competitive streak has cost me a lot over the years. Defining my identity and self-worth based on how well I did compare to others wasn’t efficient. My focus was on the outside not on the inside, which meant that I felt good if I was “winning” and terrible if I was “loosing.”

And practically speaking, there was always someone better than me at something, prettier women, more successful writers, wealthier wives. Eventually I got the message that it’s not all about results or being first.

When my husband joined the military I saw that the competitive military wife doesn’t get far. The one who relies on her husband’s rank and achievements at work to feel better than others doesn’t have it easy when it comes to making friends or finding the support needed during a deployment, let alone some practical help.

When my children were born I saw how important it is to stress collaboration versus competition. Like other kids, my girls have often focused on results rather than on the process. They often fought for who was best, racing each other to the bathroom to try and sit on the potty first, with disastrous results, or trying to see who had more toothpaste on their toothbrushes, another awful idea, and who could hold the new baby the longest, this one a good endeavor that I encouraged on a regular basis.

I know these behaviors are natural, especially when it comes to children, and there are places or activities where competition is healthy and encouraged, like in sports. But, there are many other areas where competition is counterproductive because the quality of life isn’t great when the focus is so intense on who is first and who has more.

I have met some people who don’t define their worth based on the outside and live a more fulfilling life, and in all honesty, are a pleasure to be around. So I have let go of my competitive side even if sometimes I catch myself slipping into old habits. Which reminds me. My 5-year-old daughter is a competitive gymnast. But, wait here I go again.