amos the churchmouse: life in the wash-n-rinse cycle

amos the churchmouse:

a view from under the pew

Editor's note: Amos is a churchmouse, who types by hopping on the computer keyboard, but he can't operate the capital shift keys, and he shuns punctuation marks – except hyphens and dashes.

life in the wash-n-rinse cycle

boss you may think i

look a sight but it was

nothing compared to

the fright i took

my hair may look a bit

frizzled but my whole body

was grizzled once i emerged

from the church s washing

machine monster lurking in

the dark dank basement

down there

i tell you boss –

it s not safe for

man woman child

or animalkind

the church s basement is

where hell is boss

and the washing machine

monster is its evil lord

just the other day i

was taking a leisurely

stroll through the

church basement

looking for bargains in

sara spider s underground

discount store when

marcellus the mean nasty

ungodly black cat and a

couple of his cronies came

bounding down the

basement stairs looking for

lunch on the run – or at least

on four scampering paws –

willifred the white rat and i

took off in opposite

directions searching for

holes to hide away in – but

there are no holes in a

concrete basement – at least

not this one

we ran around the broom

closet knocking down

all the brooms and mops

but the cats from hell were

still closing in

willifred says let s split up

you take the washer and i ll

take the dryer – which was ok

for him because it was broken

i jumped in the washer

which was full of dirty dingy

clothes and tried to hide

behind some smelly socks – it

almost worked boss – until i

sneezed and brought marcellus

on the run

he pounced on the washing

machine and hit the automatic

fill-and-wash button

a deluge poured in from the

white porcelain sky

filling up the tub with me in it

and boss

i m jumping from one clothes

island to another but none of

them were very solid to stand on

i kept sinking into an ever-

growing watery grave

then the tub started shaking and

rolling and turning and twisting

and contorting every which way

it was enough to make my

head spin

in fact it wasn t long before all

the water drained out –

i started looking for that hole

but before i could find it –

the whole tub started spinning

over and over and round and

round lickety-split

no roller-coaster ride or

tilt-a-whirl at the county fair

could match it boss

my tongue was hanging out

my toes were curled

my ears were flat against my head

my body was slam-pressed

against the metal-and-porcelain-

coated walls and my tummy was

stuck to my spine

i felt like a postage stamp

pounded by a two-ton hammer

then the washer door popped open

and i fell headlong onto the

concrete floor and landed in a

collapsed heap next to a pile of

our church custodian s heavy-duty

longjohn underwear

it wasn t very pleasant and i wasn t

very happy but i was clean boss –

and marcellus and his buddies

had given up the chase and had

left in search of the fabled land

of the golden hamsters

sometimes boss it pays just to

be able to enjoy the simple things

of life – like to be clean and alive

amos