No longer valued consumer

I had a birthday last week. It wasn't a major one in the Patton Oswalt rulebook. By that rule, you get to celebrate 1-10, 13, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21 and then every decade, and everything else is a waste of cake and paper.

But by the television ratings system, I did have a significant birthday. It was No. 34 … the last year of being in the "in" club. That's what is called the 21-34 demographic.

This is my last year as the target audience, more likely to be aware of new products than older age groups, and more likely to be able to afford those products than the younger crowd.

I have 12 more months to wield my power as a consumer. I'm not sure how long this will matter, as the move to streaming video is making timeslots and ratings matter less. But if I can make an impact, why not try?

Here's what I'd like to see before I leave the demographic:

If your show is a remake from another country, give credit outside of the ending credits. I'd be fine if it was just five minutes of the debut episode, where the star just comes out and says, "We know some other people did this already. They made some money with their idea, and we're going to see if we can too. Hope you like it."

When you do get to credits, do not shrink them to one-third of the screen and speed them up to the point where the average viewer can't recognize anything (or at least put them on your website too, so Key Grip Jim can show his mother he does have a job in show biz).

If the credits thank a city, county or state, also include the amount of tax credits given to entice the people in charge to shoot there. Information is power.

When the show is new, and it had its premiere last week, there's really no point in telling us that the second episode to air is an "all new episode." We assumed that when you took this thing to air, you were optimistic enough to keep it going for another half-hour.

Alcohol producers: Don't show me an evening of wild debauchery with your product, or somebody forsaking all that he's spent his life creating for one can of your beer, and then pretend everything's back to reality because you put in the phrase, "Please drink responsibly."

Car and truck manufacturers: You don't have to tell us to not attempt everything. We know that 2,500-pound truck didn't really catch the landing gear of the Boeing 747 and steer it to safety. And even though we'd like to try, we know we won't get to attempt that Audubon-level speed test that you used to promote the car.

Please, whenever possible, when you show me ads for drugs with statements the Food and Drug Administration has not approved, immediately follow it up with the commercial of the law firm looking for class-action lawsuit participants from the last drug with similar promises.

Those are my requests. Well, maybe you could bring back "The Muppet Show," too.

Kevin Wilson is a columnist for Clovis Media Inc. He can be contacted at 763-3431, ext. 313, or by email: [email protected]