Dogs' livin' large cost me in court

Knowing I had a column due later in the day, my mind began to wander as my wife and I sat in the municipal court waiting room.

One of my first thoughts was that the source of our problem, the family pooch parade should be there instead of me. After all, I wasn't even home when the incident (dog at large) occurred. Those involved were an unknowing service technician, a couple of crafty canines and a wife with slow reflexes and a serious lack of verbal control over her dogs.

They become her dogs instantly when they're bad and they're my dogs when they're curled comfortably at my feet at the end of the day.

I thought about it a little more there in the lobby and decided that if the dogs were there to be thrown on the mercy of the court it might all turn out a lot like an episode of the '80s TV series "Night Court."

I could plead with Judge Harry "Bone" that the two doggie brothers had never been accused of being at large. They thought they were living large once when the older, craftier of the two managed to snatch a full jerky treat sack from the counter and make it out of the dog door undetected. "Jerky treats all around! Ahh, this is the life."

I guess a life of crime begins with that kind of petty theft. Eventhough they were raised in a good home, lacking none of the canine comforts, bad behavior unchecked eventually leads to moments of parental sorrow like I was experiencing.

Soon sitting in that waiting room denial and self-pity began to drape themselves across my shoulders. My dogs' intentions were good, they had only meant to provide a little exercise to a few of the neighborhood fat cats. Those cats were "at-large" long before Dumb and Dumber escaped their confines. Apparently the animal control squad doesn't have an ordinance number for writing up a kitty cat at large, however.

As I thought about how unfair and truly blind justice was in my fair community my mind strayed to the age-old classic ballad "Alice's Restaurant." In the song Arlo Guthrie relates how, after a run-in with the law for the high crime of littering, he later finds himself on the "Group W" bench amongst hardened criminals about to be rejected by the draft board.

I looked around me at the others seated in the lobby and wondered what crimes they were accused of, bank robbery, grand theft auto or just littering.

Finally we went before the judge and tried in vain to make our case for giving our pathetic pups a break. Nope, first we had to enter a plea.

Then once we had selected "no contest" as the door we wanted to try we were afforded a chance to relate the circumstances.

"Fine dismissed but you will have to pay the court costs of $29," said the judge.

These days the two mutts in question are on a prison diet of kibble and water. Absolutely no jerky treats until they work that $29 off.

Karl Terry writes for Clovis Media Inc. Contact him at: [email protected]