Idle time for the shredder

I took a few days off last week, and to quote "Office Space" protagonist Peter Gibbons, "I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be."

OK, so it was a little bit more, as I discovered that giving me idle time is a terrible idea. With no major renovation project to tackle or ballpark to visit, I was left with idle time.

It got used productively, particularly in Christmas shopping, housecleaning, furniture moving, and packing up clothes I didn't need and donating them to people who might.

The jury's still out on my shredder, or what I refer to as electronic bubble wrap.

I picked it up while shopping for something else, and found it on sale for $20; in a way, I considered it free because the other item I bought rang up $30 cheaper than the listed price.

In many ways, it's a responsible purchase. When you want to prevent identity theft, or just protect personal information, a shredder can be one of the best investments you make. Thanks to the shredder, nobody has to know where I shop, what magazines I read or what free credit cards I qualify for. All they see is confetti.

And there are other benefits:

• "DVD insert? I've already redeemed your special offers. Into the shredder you go."
• "Junk mail? Let's make you easier to put in the trash. Into the shredder with you."

But there's a drawback. When you have idle time, a shredder may be one of the worst things you can possibly buy. It's electric bubble wrap, and you can't stop popping (or shredding, as it were).

These are the thoughts I have had over the last week as I've shredded:

• "New magazine? I've got this issue preloaded onto my tablet. You're no longer ESPN the Magazine; you're ESPN the confetti. Into the shredder."
• "Well, this cake is in the oven. So long, box, and take your good-for-nothing high-altitude directions with you. Into the shredder you go."
• "I don't need to leave this placemat in the restaurant. Instead of making it their trash, I'll make it mine for no reason. Into my pocket for now, and into the shredder later."
• "Shredder instructions ... who needs these? Into the shredder with you."

At some point I'll have to admit I have a problem, and I hope it happens sometime before I shred something that's fairly important.

But I hope before that happens, there are a few more parades. You bring the hot cocoa, I'll bring the confetti.

Kevin Wilson is a columnist for Clovis Media Inc. He can be contacted at 763-3431, ext. 313, or by email: [email protected]