Terry: Shopping more difficult with wheels

With my power-shopper wife confined to a wheelchair while rehabbing a broken leg it was a bit depressing for her when the Black Friday sale flyers hit her lap on Thanksgiving morning.

I offered to load her into the wheelchair and take her on out among the crazed masses. She hesitated, thinking about her broken leg being bumped, jostled and trampled in the melee.

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I’ve attended those sales myself a few times and her fears were well justified. Folks lining up in the middle of the night for a cheap TV or half-price DVDs are not in their right minds. They’re losing sleep and focused on the goal. Chances are they won’t hesitate to trample the less healthy of the herd.

I thought about it for a while and told her the best thing we could do, would be to get a good roll cage welded to the wheelchair. Maybe cut down a truck bumper and even a brush guard to outfit the chair.

A truck air horn or even a locomotive headlight would make good additions and scare the bejeezus out of even the most determined of soccer moms in search of midnight bargains. Every little advantage could be valuable if we were going to be able to compete successfully.

As my mind wandered I recalled the ZZ Top song “Master of Sparks” in which a bunch of fun-loving good ol’ boys from Texas constructed a round steel cage, which they released from a rolling truck with a rider strapped to a seat inside.

I figured I tuck my sweetie inside the cage of death and roll her down the aisles of Wally World, clearing a path for us as she went. I could toss presents inside the cage with her and we could shop until it got too hard to roll.

Maybe we better just stick to souping up the chair here.

Maybe a battering ram attached to the frame of the chair to get through the door first would be a good idea. But then why stop there? Why not a jousting pole and a short block 327 to get us down the aisles and through the throngs?

I think the legions of blue-light banana cases might sense by this time we’re a little bit crazy and determined to out-shop them. Just in case, I think a 400-watt stereo system on board blaring out “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” should close the deal.

Then again, maybe stealth is the way to go. How many helium party balloons would I need to tie to a wheel-chair and daredevil spouse to get them off the ground and above the Christmas-shopping crowds?

Karl Terry writes for Clovis Media Inc. Contact him at:

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