Post-election humor much needed

My book-of-the-month summary for November is "Great One Liners," edited by Marcia Kamien (Platinum Press, 2010).

After this election, I figured humor would be welcomed.

Excerpts:

• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

• Police were called to a day-care center because a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

• Discretion is raising your eyebrow instead of your voice.

• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97, and we don't know where he is.

• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are not a hypochondriac.

• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you get older, it will avoid you.

• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• It may be your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

• I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

• Some cause happiness wherever they go ... others, whenever they go.

• Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• A drunk is brought in front of a judge, who tells him, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "OK, let's get started."

• How do we know the Indians were first in America? They had reservations.

• There is no "I" in team, but there are four in "platitude-quoting idiot."

• I'm glad I'm not as judgmental as all those self-righteous, censorious stupid people here.

• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

• You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

• Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," what I hear is: "I'm not really smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

Contact Wendel Sloan at [email protected]