Twelve-word anecdotes say it all

A collection of brief life summaries, “Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs,” by the famous and obscure was published in 2008 by Harper/Perennial.

Examples:

• “Followed rules, not dreams. Never again.”— Margaret Hellerstein # “Occasionally wrong but never in doubt.” — Layne Butler

• “Afraid of everything. Did it anyway.” — Ayse Erginer # “Was father, boys died, still sad.” — Ronald Zalewski

Being wordy, I’m doubling the count to 12 for my attempts:

• Born after twin sister — Still traumatized from sharing girl’s bicycle for birthday. # Some boys wanted to date me — I only wanted to be friends. # Girls mistook quietness for shyness — The lucky ones who didn’t ate well.

• Not good-looking enough for 7 of 10 women. 3-10 willing to settle. # Practice Golden Rule with no expectations. No longer disappointed by unfair projections. # Disguised birth imperfection by pretending to be less — Became target for condescension.

• Little boy ridiculed for obstacles beyond his control — Thank you for persevering. # Grew up in country. Rode pet cow. Liked poetry more than poultry. # Childhood — Large family, feet and imagination running free past ponds and evergreens.

• Youngest of six kids. Had to fight for every bite — except beets. # Dragged to Pentecostal church. Loved electrified music. Sermons shocked hell into me. # Winning baskets, TDs, home runs, gold medals — Undefeated in solo pasture competition.

• Small, got picked on during playground recess. Bullies now huffing and puffing. # Star high school running back — For upcoming opponents in practice. Constantly annihilated. # Still active in many sports — In better shape now than my 20s.

• Partially paid way through college bootlegging — More a public service than crime. # Studied just hard enough to pass boring classes — Never asked for grades. # Night-shift cook in Mexican restaurant — College friends with munchies handed back-door burritos.

• Joined Navy for personal, not patriotic, reasons — Yawn at noise-spouting, never-served patriots. # Post-deviated-septum surgery, rushed to Guam ER. Threatened with brig for bloody uniform. # 2012 — Fourth attempt, rib grafted to rebuild septum. Acted like little #$%^&.

• Cuts, tears, breaks, stitches, staples, sicknesses, surgeries, rehabilitations — words still hurt most. # Hate drugs, but not drug addicts. Hate those who hate them more. # Never initiated put-downs — Detractors thought I was too clueless to respond. Amused.

• Most of life determined by genetics; doing my best. Forget you, critics. # Love the ocean — Sun hates me — Good I live so far away. # Father died, mother died, sister died, woman died — Someone’s mysterious ways plan?

• “Liberal” insults backfired — Beamed with pride over unintended compliments about intellectual honesty. # Never smoked anything legal — Can’t stand the smell — Managed to avoid jail. # Unimpressed by wealth, holiness and power. Awed by humbleness, kindness and genuineness.

• I CAN be president — Just need to learn to bully from pulpit. # Tried drawing Greyhound — Printer thought it was Seahawk. Future famous abstract artist? # I can’t drive under 75 — Only get warnings by acting slightly senile.

• Yes, I was avoiding you — But only to hide embarrassing golf-ball-size zit. # Night-time raid — Tore pants on barbed-wire fence protecting watermelons. Two full moons. # Mostly sectarian, centerfielder for Presbyterians, sometimes barbarian, scammed by Nigerians, now pescaterian.

Please share your 12-word memoirs with me.

Contact Wendel Sloan at: [email protected]