Hey, Trump, why not try this speech

If President Trump promises to stick with the teleprompter, I give him permission to use this speech:

My fellow Americans, green-carders and undercover residents keeping food prices and lawn grass low, Hurricane Harvey has opened my eyes blinded by the eclipse. And, believe me, nobody knows more about total disasters than me.

We will build that wall — but only to keep coastal waters out. I appreciate Mexico’s offer to help, and apologize big-time for bashing them.

Who knew actual humans — not just criminals and rapists —with such yuge hearts lived there.

Now I know a border wall would only slow the escape of some of our hardest and lowest-paid workers back to a tremendously tremendous country — without a superiority complex — which contributes big-league to our hemisphere’s culture.

I also apologize for pardoning Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio. After learning how he treated prisoners — with approximately 160, predominantly minorities, dying — I understand why the Department of Justice concluded Arpaio oversaw the worst racial profiling in U.S. history.

Many people are saying I owe an apology for joining Arpaio in the birther movement against Obama. Since the sheriff lost re-election and I don’t want to join him, I am exploring ways to rescind his pardon.

Without calling him by name, I also suggested John McCain had sunk our party’s proposal to repeal and replace Obamacare.

Since I had previously ridiculed McCain for getting captured and suffering unspeakable torture in a Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp for five-plus years while I avoided the draft with “bone spurs,” and he is currently battling brain cancer, I should have expressed sincere empathy about his health.

Speaking of that Arizona rally, I confess I told my usual quota of little white ones.

One was CNN turning off their cameras when I started calling them and other media — who do not constantly sing my praises — “fake news” and claiming they don’t love the country.

Wendel Sloan in Portales, New Mexico, tweeted me — with no typos, by the way — he watched my speech uninterrupted on CNN when I made the claim. The little fella sure busted me.

Since the media who support me are turning off their cameras, I want to add a quick apology about claiming tearing down monuments to racism is an attack on our heritage. Yes, I was dog-whistling my supporters of bigly bigotry.

Please follow me on Twitter for future apologies about nepotism, crowd sizes, transgenders, Boy Scouts, increasing military and decreasing safety net spending, the environment, demanding loyalty from intelligence agencies, nasty women, public education, foreign leaders, NRA coddling, bullying, ridiculing and threatening to lock up opponents, habitual fibbing, saying you’ll get tired of winning — and many, many more.

I want the very fine people on the good side of demonstrations against racists, rednecks and zealots to know I have seen the light.

It’s a beautiful band of color eclipsing discordant notes played by adolescents in white robes with softball bats, cheap rifles and tiki torches compensating for impotence by disgracing our species.

With my words, we will make America great again — because nobody knows words like me. I have the best words.

Contact Wendel Sloan at: [email protected]