Resolutions: Here today, gone tomorrow

Mark Twain said of New Year resolutions:

“Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

“Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink, and swore his last oath.

“Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds.”

In that spirit, here are my resolutions.

I will:

• Expose my feelings but not myself in public.

• Not suffer in silence when I can blame others.

• Stop asking The Salvation Army bell-ringers if they can make change for a buck.

• Live as if victimless crimes are not against the law.

• Donate every penny of anything I earn over $1 million this year to charity.

• Give advice freely and generously to everyone who screws up.

• Not relive the parts of my past still under investigation.

• Never feel guilty about my actions before the verdict is announced.

• Stop being a pescatarian long enough to chew on scapegoats.

• Stop sitting in my underwear all day watching TV in my living room. Instead, I will watch TV in my bedroom.

• Before criticizing someone, I will make sure they are on foot and I am in my car.

• Never say “I told you so” unless I did.

• Cut coins up and sell them as “Bitcoins” on eBay.

• Have my tombstone pre-inscribed with “Played outside with wet head.”

• Buy a third microwave oven for three-course gourmet meals.

• After winning scramble golf tournaments, re-enact the Iwo Jima flag-raising with my partners using the 18th pin flag.

• Vote my conscience — on sale for $99.

• Stop empathizing with women who post on Facebook about how hungry they are by commenting “me, too.”

• Write “2018” on checks before July.

• Start paying attention to what kind of clothes gender symbols on public restrooms are wearing.

• Stop hanging out with people with a dark past — unless I was with them.

• Stop texting waiters for refills.

• Stop scratching other people’s backs, expecting them to scratch mine in return.

• Buy more deodorant and less laundry detergent.

• Stop asking flight attendants if we can make a u-turn for photo opportunities.

• Stop ordering spaghetti when trying to impress someone.

• Stop getting blue toilet bowl tablets confused with face soap — although I did get an offer from the Blue Man Group.

• Donate my VHS re-winder to charity.

• Leave notes on cars I back into — if they are occupied.

• Start asking telemarketers for their Social Security numbers.

• Pick resolutions others can’t monitor — such as vowing to think only positive thoughts.

• Stop lying to my iPhone about who’s driving.

• Believe I can do all things through a pescatarian diet that strengthens me.

• Not say anything insulting about the president on the days he doesn’t insult anyone.

• Get a new dishwasher: I’m thinking of a model named Carmen.

• Start wearing mismatched socks as revenge against dryers.

• Never drink coffee before church. It keeps me awake.

• Protest against protests — if I can figure out how.

• Swear my allegiance to Santa Claus in The War on Christmas.

• Remember that clubs advertising “Total Nudity” aren’t referring to customers.

Contact Wendel Sloan at: [email protected]