Winter's been shockingly dry this year

It's been a really dry winter.

How dry has it been, you ask?

I don't want to alarm anyone, but they’re having trouble keeping the pond at Oasis State Park. The coyotes and lizards are drinking the water faster than they can fill it back up.

It's so dry I saw two trees fighting over a dog last week. It surprised me too, so much so I fainted. They had to throw two buckets of sand in my face to bring me around.

My dog’s habit of sneaking a drink out of the birdbath has landed him on the local finch flock’s hit list. Word is they’ve hired a woodpecker to take him out if he’s seen partaking of their water again.

As the winter continues with one blue norther (dry cold front) after another, the humidity in my home and at the office continues to drop. Static electricity is starting to become a problem.

On a particularly windy day I got into the office, hung up my hat and coat, walked up front to get my messages and gave my office mates a great laugh. The sight of the few thin strands of hair I have on top of my noggin standing straight up had an amusing effect on them.

I've always hated getting shocked, whether it was from an electric fence charger, a shorted out can opener or just touching the door knob when the static electricity is bad. I would just about as soon you just kick me in the knee as take a good electrical jolt.

It never seemed to bother my brother and my dad too much to get that static zap. I actually remember dad walking across the carpet to pick up a good charge and then touching his tongue to someone's ear to get a really good spark.

Mom's fuzzy house shoes were great at producing a charge and if my brother was in the mood to irritate, he put them on and shuffled across the carpet so he could shock people.

That’s just one of the reasons I no longer have carpet. But dang, I’m even getting a shock from time to time lately on my laminate floor.

Wardrobes have to be altered this time of year around here because of the static. Anything black or navy blue is out because of static.

I got a wonderful suede-feeling shirt with a lot of nylon in the lining. Unfortunately, it produces more electricity than one of those Honda generators. I take it off the hanger and it crackles. I put it on and walk by the dog and his hair stands straight out toward the shirt.

It's bad enough to be sitting in church or a public meeting and notice one of those little drier sheets sticking out your pants leg. It's really embarrassing to pull out an article of underwear that's been clinging there.

I think I’m ready for a winter vacation somewhere with humidity — say the Okefenokee Swamp.

Author’s note: I confess that this column is a rewrite of one I did exactly 10 years ago. It’s just as dry this winter though, and I still wear that suede shirt after a rain.

Karl Terry writes for Clovis Media Inc. Contact him at: [email protected]