Thanks for entertainment, mystery caller

It’s probably not wise to adopt a life philosophy based on a stand-up comedy bit, but I’ve thrown caution to the wind.

Somewhere after “In Living Color,” and before “My Wife and Kids” Damon Wayans explained his approach to parenting: If it’s funny, you’re not in trouble.

Wayans admitted it got harder as life went on, and Damon Jr. had the same comedy chops as his dad. “Go to your room, and work on your timing.”

I’d probably lived my life by this philosophy before I ever heard it. If somebody threw an insult my way in junior high and high school, I’d either throw something back if it was bad or laugh with them if it was good. “Why are you laughing?” Dude, it was funny.

Some of my friends also live by it. My friend Drake told his son, “Hey, go get me some IHOP.” Drake Jr. responded, “How about UHOP?” Puzzled look from Drake Sr, before Jr. continued. “How about you hop down there and get it yourself?” Point, Junior. Game, Junior.

With this in mind, it gives me great pleasure to report on some mystery people who are definitely not in trouble. For reasons I care not to rehash, people are finding it entertaining to call in threats to schools and businesses throughout our area.

We got a different kind of call Thursday night.

“You’re a rich girl, and you’ve gone too far

‘Cause you know it don’t matter anyway.”

The calls continued throughout the evening, sporadically. We answered because you never know who is legitimately calling.

Soon enough, it was my turn to answer the phone. “She’ll only come out at night; the lean and hungry type.”

Yes, my friends, we got Hall-and-Oatesed. I’m not sure if it’s popular, but this seems to be a mutation of the Rickroll.

If you don’t know what Rickrolling is ... first off, congratulations on the way you’ve lived your life to this point. Second, it’s when you ask for a link to something online, and you blindly click it to hear Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.” It’s cruel, but it’s funny, and you can only laugh at yourself for blindly following a link.

It became so popular Astley started Rickrolling people and rode the publicity into a new album. I would love for the same thing to happen with Hall and Oates (Clovis Music Festival 2019, perhaps?).

When a musical act becomes a verb, it’s a special time. That’s why I considered contacting the police department. “Hello, police? Yes, somebody’s harassing us via telephone. They’re playing different songs by Hall and Oates. We’ve just been putting them on the speakerphone each time. We don’t want to press charges. Just thought you’d want to know.”

I alerted supervisors, who apparently also live by “if it’s funny, you’re not in trouble.” With a swiftness rarely seen in text messages, Editor David Stevens responded, “I can’t go for that. No can do.”

A coworker told his friends back in college. “The first thing they did was Google our office number. So if there’s a copycat on Monday, you’re welcome.”

So I salute you, mystery caller. Were you trying to annoy us? Probably. Were you trying to intimidate us? If so, you failed tremendously.

But if you call back, one request: A-Ha us too.

“Say after me, it’s no better to be safe than sorry ...”

Kevin Wilson is managing editor of The Eastern New Mexico News. Contact him at: [email protected]