Miscarriage, stillbirth often not discussed

Expectant mothers get used to hearing from their female family members fairly quickly after becoming pregnant. They get advice on everything from sleep training to choosing pediatricians, whether the advice is asked for or not.

Sharing baby advice is one of the most time-honored traditions of being a woman, and it is something that women look forward to doing for their daughters, granddaughters, or nieces. Every aspect of each pregnancy differs, but there are some things that remain true for every woman.

The most sensitive part of pregnancy, however, the aspect we hope never to experience — and the area that we often most need support and advice in dealing with — is often not discussed.

Recently, I was surprised and touched to read an article in the Roswell Daily Record about a Caring Cradle being donated to Lovelace Regional Hospital. I was surprised not because I doubt the caring nature of people, but because miscarriage and stillbirth are taboo topics.

Before becoming pregnant, I was under the impression that miscarriage was very rare. It was not something that I heard of often, but it quickly became something that I constantly worried about as an expectant mother. This is because I learned that, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, 10 to 25 percent of all pregnancies will end in a miscarriage.

This may come as a shock to some who say, “How is this possible? I do not know a single woman who has suffered a miscarriage.” It is highly likely and usual, however, that women feel too embarrassed or unsupported to discuss it when it does happen. Of all the topics that older women enjoy discussing with pregnant women, they do not talk about one of the most painful, isolating, and hard to deal with areas because they have been forced to see this as a hidden, private topic.

If 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, it is fairly reasonable to say that we each know at least one woman who has suffered through a miscarriage. In the case of stillbirths, there are 24,000 babies stillborn each year in the U.S. alone. How is it possible that something that is suffered by so many women is talked about so little?

When you try to find information on miscarriage and stillbirths, you will find countless online support groups full of women who have lost a child. They share horrible experiences of being told “it was just the wrong baby” or “stop talking about your dead child” when they open up about their loss.

The lack of conversation comes not from an unwillingness of women to discuss loss, but from the unwillingness of society as a whole to allow women to express this loss. People are uncomfortable when they hear of death, especially when it comes to infants, and people famously do not like to be uncomfortable.

Therefore, so many women suffer in silence, hearing things like, “when are you going to have children?” or “when is your child going to get a sibling?” all the while living with the painful knowledge that they did have a child, a child they loved so deeply who was taken away from them.

Oct.15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day to celebrate the lives and mourn the loss of these children. So close to this day or remembrance, it is touching to read of the donation of the Caring Cradle to Lovelace Regional Hospital.

However, in order to show support and solidarity with those who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, you do not have to spend any money or attend any event. You can start with the women in your life who may be suffering through more than you realize.

When a woman tells you that she has suffered a loss, do not attempt to comfort her into silence. Instead, be one to listen, to understand her struggles, and to reassure her that her pain is valid. Had she lost a 5-year-old child, no one would expect her to keep quiet about it.

Treat every child at every stage of life the same way. Feeling unable to talk about a lost child only makes the feelings of loss more debilitating.

When you see someone trying to brush away the topic of miscarriage and stillbirth, be an educator. Enlighten those around you to the facts, and they will have learned a new and valuable lesson.

Most of all, be cautious of the way you speak about pregnancy. You will never know if that woman who does not have children yet has had one or more losses, or if an expectant mother has carried the weight of a lost child as well. Be kind to these women always.

Briana Beaudoin is a sophomore at Eastern New Mexico University. Contact her at: [email protected]