Opinion: Picture could be worth a thousand readers

Dr. Jenifer Landa, while speaking at a medical conference, told the following story:

As a shy fifth-grader, she reluctantly tried out for a school play. After tryouts, a list of who was accepted was posted on a wall. She expected to be rejected, but to her surprise, she was picked to play the lead character, Winnie the Pooh.

Landon asked, “Did you ever have a time in your life where you found a hidden talent or passion you didn’t know you had?” She hoped we would feel what she felt that day in the fifth grade.

I have felt the thrill of finding a hidden talent a number of times. The most recent was writing for newspapers. I have dabbled in serious writings before without success. When Tom, my brother, the editor and publisher of The Communicator in Santa Rosa, allowed me to write a few articles, I wrote some light-hearted pieces that led to a weekly column.

When I went to visit Santa Rosa, I met about a dozen people who read me regularly. Using the mathematical principles of extrapolation and a new theory I named the exaggeration theorem, I concluded I had at least another 10,000 to 11,000 readers.

The exaggeration theorem is not recognized by any serious mathematicians, but it has been used by politicians and talk show hosts so often I’m thinking someday it might be recognized.

To properly use the exaggeration theorem, you can exaggerate not only your data but also your moral worth and your opposition’s moral worthlessness. Name-calling can help — it belittles people without having to be bothered by rational discussions. And always, even if you are the abuser, play the victim.

For example: Have any of you bottom-feeding scumbags who have doubted my number of readers ever considered the pain and suffering you have inflicted on my family just because I am one of the few trying to stand up for what is right?

Note the putdowns, moral superiority, defense of my exaggerated data, and taking ownership of the victim role — all in one sentence.

Man, I’m good. Maybe I should run for president.

I have been told I need to send a picture to Clovis because The Eastern New Mexico News has published my column and wants a face to go with it. I wanted a picture that people would remember, so I began brainstorming ideas.

Because comedy is intertwined in my articles, I wondered if readers would like a picture of me with an arrow through my head (popularized by Steve Martin).

Perhaps my readers would like a picture of me wearing a shirt so small a large portion of my stomach is exposed. After all, underneath my fat layer, I’m pretty sure I have a six-pack abdomen.

I even thought of doing the pose Burt Reynolds made famous — being completely nude except for a towel over my waist.

Finally, I considered going with the style of wearing my pants extremely low (called sagging) as I bent over to pick something up.

When I called my brother Tom to ask if he liked any of these ideas, he said “No.” Which was followed with, “I’m busy. Goodbye.”

All I wanted was a little respect and consideration from “Terrible Tom.” I’m always trying to help, only to be ignored and rejected. A good picture could attract thousands, if not millions, of new readers.

Like I said, maybe I should run for president.

Don McDonald writes for Community News Exchange. Contact him at: [email protected]