Friend gives me vanity plate envy

Have you ever had a friend who was embarrassingly better at something than you without even trying?

That was Adrian. He wasn’t a great athlete, and nobody would ever mistake him for one. He wasn’t a great student, though pretty much everybody at our high school knew he was probably the second-smartest person in our class (the first guy was 40 points away from a perfect SAT).

But wow, was Adrian hilarious. I’d say funny things and do some funny things, but everything he did was hilarious when I was privileged to attend high school with him.

There was the time in sophomore English he did a book report on a kid’s book and wrote a report longer than the actual book. Or his spot-on impressions of teachers and coaches (and Chris Farley). And then there was the worst car a teenager ever owned. He started the engine with a flathead screwdriver.

That was all funny, until the day he licensed that car. Everything else took second place after that.

“Did you see Adrian’s license plate?” I heard three times before the morning bell. The plate read: BWEGENR.

Alternate the letters, and Adrian had made his own BEER W(A)G(O)N. But how did you get it past the DMV, everybody asked Adrian?

“I told them it meant ‘Black Wagoneer,’” Adrian said, before I responded, “But it’s a grey sedan.”

I was reminded of that moment last week, when a friend Snapchatted a license plate. She couldn’t figure out what it could possibly mean. I won’t repeat it here because I don’t want to identify the unknowing owner, but we never figured out the eight letters without a vowel.

The conversation spread, and friends told me about the best ones they’d ever seen get past the screeners who are looking to block out offensive material. I can’t repeat some of them on here, but let’s just say they’re calling your boyfriend / girlfriend / mother rather unscrupulous.

I have yet to see a plate that tops Adrian’s for comic value, but I’ve seen plenty of good ones for tax breaks. If you saw “KIRBY1” in somebody’s driveway, you knew they were getting a vacuum demonstration. If there’s “SOLDIT” in the plate it’s a pretty safe bet that’s a real estate agent or a car salesman. And I think most of us are familiar with the “Seinfeld” episode featuring Kramer’s brief flirtation with proctology when he got the wrong plate.

Too many vanity plates, though, aren’t tax breaks but, “Give me a break.” That’s what happens when people tried to look cool but poorly improvised when somebody beat them to the original phrase.

“Izall Gud? Is Izall your grandma?”

“No. It’s all good.”

“No it isn’t.”

I can’t promise I won’t ever have a vanity plate. But it doesn’t seem likely. I’m on my fifth vehicle and nearly a quarter-century into my driving career.

But if I do get one, I’ll live in constant fear that Adrian’s already got a better one on the way.

Kevin Wilson is editor of The Eastern New Mexico News. Contact him at:

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