Opinion: Be on the lookout for man-eating sharks (and the government)

In-person voting is safe. So are overflowing parking lots at big-box retailers.

But it’s too dangerous for a small nursery to sell Easter lilies to individuals curbside. And if you see any suspicious activity downtown — say an alley door closing quickly and somebody slipping a shopping bag inside their jacket — well, you’ll need to call the cops, Gladys Kravitz.

This coronavirus circus is crazier than any “Bewitched” rerun you’ve seen since we’ve all — sorta — been ordered to shelter in place.

Guns and alcohol were “essential” for a while, but they’re not anymore. You can still buy a car, but not off of a car dealer’s lot. And if this goes on much longer, athletes won’t be able to hear the fans go wild because they won’t be allowed in the same facility where the games are played.

So sayeth our government.

Next thing you know, a Republican president is going to claim he has “total” authority over state governments. Or a bunch of Democrats are going to start questioning so many handouts for the unemployed. Wait. Those things actually happened, didn’t they?

It’s hard to keep up with all the news since this disease we’ve known about for months came out of nowhere and knocked us so loopy we’re all wearing masks into grocery stores.

Saloon keepers and salon keepers can’t open their doors anymore. You can’t sell shoes, or save souls, in person anymore. (Psssst. But if you need some diamond jewelry, there may or may not be a guy hanging around the soccer fields at Hillcrest Park. The secret phrase is “That’ll be the day-ay-ay.”)

Too much? Too much.

Here’s the thing: Government is out of control, ordering us to do things just to see how far we’re willing to go before revolution. Even stranger: some of what government is demanding is in our best interest.

It’s like somebody tossed a bunch of man-eating sharks into all the pools and lakes and now there are signs reading “keep out” to warn us. We know the danger is real because the signs tell us the courts are going to fine us if they catch us in that water … or that water over there … or that water down yonder.

The water where all the people are might be safe. Nobody is really sure. OK, you might get killed in that water, too, but you won’t get hauled into court or have to pay a fine if you play in that government-approved water that has just as many man-eating sharks as all the rest of the water.

So maybe just be careful. No matter what the government says.

— David Stevens

Publisher